When They Met Again
by Samala90
Summary: What did Taylor's and Ryan's glances at the wedding mean? In this romantic and beautiful story, starting with Taylor's return from Paris five years after she left on the train, you find out what happened in the year leading up to the SS wedding. Complete!
1. Intro

Author's Note: I have finally edited this story slightly, mostly just removing all of my annoying ANs like this one. Also, after being told by a reader that a Freanch college education is either 3 or 5 years, I changed that into Taylor going to school for 5 years instead of 4 years, and one year working. It fitted much better with the story anyways. Those changes are pretty much it, so if you've read this story before, you don't need to read it again if you don't necessarily _want _to. If this is your first time reading this story, I hope you enjoy it, and that even if it is now completed, please review. No matter your opinion of it, I'd still love to hear it.

**Chapter 1: Intro**

It was now five years ago since Ryan had gone on the train that would take Taylor to Paris. Back then, he had still been in love with her and would've done almost anything to keep her with him, but he had realized that he had to let her go. They both had to live their dreams and be one on their own before being able to be one together. They both realized that they would never be able to make the relationship work with him being in Berkley and she being in Paris as they would hardly ever see each other. That being said, it hadn't made him miss her any less. Though they were very different and had only dated for a few months, he really had loved Taylor. Maybe more than he had ever loved anyone before.

After Marissa's death, he had gone deep into himself, cutting off his family, friends and emotions to hide away from all of the pain, but Taylor brought out the part of him that he never thought anyone but Marissa ever could: she made him happy. She was quirky, eccentric, a little insane and nothing like he ever thought a girlfriend of his would be like, but he had found himself liking her more and more, eventually loving her more than he ever thought he could love anyone again.

Maybe it was the fact that they were older and more mature than in high school, but he felt that his relationship with Taylor had been more real than the one he had had with Marissa, where they had mostly been dwelling on high school drama. Taylor made him laugh and with her things weren't tragic or depressing, and he had found himself really liking that and at that time, he really needed it. With Taylor, he was happy for the first time in a long time.

He had found himself struggling to say the three little words, but only because he wanted to be completely sure when he spoke them that they weren't rushing things, as their relationship had meant so much to him. But at last, on her birthday, he had told her, and the earthquake if anything, just made him realize even more so than after Marissa's death, how important it was to really say what you feel, 'cause one day, it might be too late.

He matured a lot in his relationship with Taylor. To be honest, she saved him, and made him feel safe once again and for that, he would always be thankful to her. And though they were so different, it had been _amazing_ when it lasted.

But their happiness hadn't lated for long, because eventually they had both felt that they were _too _different, and they wanted so different things for the future, that they had split up around May 2007 and she had headed for Paris. But seeing her again that fall for Julie's canceled wedding, he and Taylor both realized they still loved each other.

However, with both of them going off to college- he to Berkley and she to Paris's Sorbonne- they realized that they would never be able to make the long distance thing work, as they would hardly ever see each other. He followed her San Bernadino, but further than that he couldn't go, and they had tearfully said their good-byes on the train. Ryan remembered her words like it was yesterday.

"_Ryan…I love you, but I don't want to be feeling like I'm holding you back when you go off to Berkeley. I'll be in another _country _for gods sake. So many people find themselves in college and you should feel free to do that. I want you to be free to do whatever you want, be with whoever you want…I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend in Paris who's always wondering what her boyfriend's up to". __She had spoken in a soft voice, looked at him very sternly, and he had only nodded, agreeing with everything she said. Even though it hurt, she was right. As always, she was right._

"_You should be happy, you deserve to be happy, with whoever makes you happy. And if that's me, if we really are meant to be, 4 years apart will only be confirmation of that and it won't seem like such a long time. It will only make our love stronger." _

_Again he had only been able to nod, because again her words were so true._

_He had smiled_. "_I'll be seeing you. I love you."_

_They kissed one last time, and it was with so much passion that the imprint still lingered in his body when he recalled the memory. She had smiled as they pulled apart, then he had stepped off the train and they'd waved good-bye. As the train started, she had blew him a kiss and mimicked 'I love you'._

But that had been almost five years ago now, and he hadn't seen her since. They had decided not to keep in touch since it could only be awkward. If neither of them dated anyone new, it would feel like they were still together, and if one of them did date someone else, would the other be jealous? It just hadn't felt like a good way to get a fresh start for either of them, so they decided against it.

He knew a little about Taylor's life through Summer and Seth though, as they both still kept very close contact with her. Summer had traveled to Paris twice to visit her friend, and whenever Taylor had come to visit her mom in Newport for breaks, she had always made a point of staying in Providence for a few days to catch up with her friends Summer and Seth.

He knew Taylor had since long moved on. During the first two months after her return to Paris, he had checked her blog obsessively, and had read all about her sexual escapades with different French guys every night. He knew he had no right to as they had left each other completely free, but back then, he was still in love with her, and reading about her adventures were just too painful, so he soon stopped. He had to admit, that he seemed to have had a lot more difficulty getting over her than she had with him. It had taken him a very long time before he stopped constantly thinking about her, and for several years, he never even looked at another girl because he just wasn't interested.

Now however, Ryan hardly ever thought about Taylor and he thought it safe to say he was completely over her. He hadn't seen or spoken to her since that day on the train almost five years ago, and having just started his last year at the Berkley Architecture program, he kept busy with school, his family, some new friends, and most recently, his girlfriend, Sarah.

Sarah was another Berkley Architecture student, and having been in almost all the same classes, they had soon began talking, and eventually she had asked him out. Thinking of Summer and Seth's continued teasing of his celibacy, he decided to accept and had found himself enjoying her company more than he thought he ever would. Now they had been dating for almost six months, and things were going well. He really liked her, as did Summer and the Cohens, who were all happy that he had finally met someone.

That day, he was busy remembering that he had to stop by and leave the gift that he had bought for Sophie's birthday at Summer and Seth's apartment, and being completely unaware of her return, he didn't have Taylor on his mind, and he was about to be rather surprised when he met her…

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Taylor shut her eyes with a sigh. She was exhausted after hours of flying and was anxious to get home. Only home wasn't where she had left it at all. For the past five years she had been living in Paris, only making occasional visits to the country she was born and raised in- but did that make the country her home? Taylor wasn't so sure anymore.

Though she had always planned to go back to the States after graduating from Sorbonne, she was now getting nervous. It scared her that she was back to stay for good, and it was exactly that fear that had made her stay another summer in France after graduation, highly over-educated to be working as a tourist guide. She now felt she knew Paris better than she ever knew California, and her French was now so brilliant that she almost felt it almost surpassed her English.

She had gotten so used to the sophisticated French life style, that being back in good old America felt slightly intimidating. If it wasn't for Summer and Kaitlin's obsessive nagging and the fact that she missed them and her mom so much, she might never have decided to go back.

She hadn't told anyone that she was coming back until right before she got on the plane, because she didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but at least Summer and Seth had promised that they would pick her up from the airport.

She opened her eyes to look at her watch, it felt like she'd been flying forever. "_Oh great", _she muttered to herself. "_Only five more hours to go before I'm back in California." _She closed her eyes again. She might as well get some sleep before getting there.

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"_So how does it feel to be back home?" _Seth asked, watching Summer stuffing Taylor's luggage in the back of their car.

"_Um…to be honest, it feels a little weird. Good, but weird." _She didn't really feel like talking about it, so she quickly changed the subject. "_So is Julie and her son really living here in Berkley now?"_

"_Yep. They moved out here just after Julie's graduation, but Kaitlin's finishing her senior year at Williams, though", _Summer answered. "_She spent all of summer break here, and she's doing really well. Ever since her last high school year she's been on the top of her class in everything, made valedictorian, and has been involved in all this extra stuff. And she actually has a steady boyfriend too, Jake, we met him a few months ago and they're totally in love. He's kinda dorky, but sweet, and they're really cute together. Kinda like Cohen and me."_

"_Yes, I'm so happy you guys are finally engaged! It was about time! Have you guys set a date yet?"_

"_No, but Summer wants a spring wedding, so it'll probably be somewhere around there. Now that we've both graduated, it's not like we have school to worry about, and at least we have Dr. Roberts blessing this time."_

"_And he bought me an actual ring",_ Summer smiled holding out her hand.

Taylor happily inspected the classy diamond Summer carried on her ring finger, next to the glow-in-the-dark one Seth had proposed with the last time. Back then, neither of them had been ready to get married, but they were now, and it really showed on how happy they were together. And Taylor hated being the one to intrude on that by becoming their house guest.

As they hit the road, the couple brought her up to speed on all the latest changes in everyone's life, and Taylor couldn't help but to feel slightly depressed. Everyone were so happy with their lives, and though she was happy for them, she felt a sting of jealousy. Here she was at 24 with no home, no boyfriend and no idea what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.


	2. The First Meeting

**Chapter 2: The First Meeting**

Later that evening, Taylor was sitting in front of the TV in her pajamas watching old reruns of The Valley and eating ice cream. She was alone in Summer and Seth's apartment as they had since long promised to join a friend's birthday party and couldn't back out now. Summer had been heartbroken about leaving Taylor all alone on her first evening back, but Taylor thought it was for the best, 'cause she really wasn't in the mood for more chit chat at the moment, and she was so exhausted from flying that she felt she would be no fun anyways. Tomorrow however, the girls had promised that they'd go shopping together.

"_I guess it's just you and me, Pancakes", _Taylor said, patting the white rabbit on her lap.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and Taylor almost jumped. Neither Summer or Seth had told her they were expecting anyone, and they couldn't be back already. Placing Pancakes on the floor, she marched to the front door and opened it. And it was…

"_Ryan?" _She was shocked and almost blown away by the sight of him. There he was, looking even better than the last time she had seen him. Even though he wore pretty much the same clothes and without having done any major changes to his hair, he looked so different. He looked more mature, more confident, more like a…man. And it really suited him. He looked great…and she was wearing …pajamas. _"Well isn't that nice"_, she thought to herself. _"My ex-boyfriend sees me for the first time in five years and I'm wearing a pajamas."_

"_Taylor?" _He _so _hadn't expected to see her there, and besides shock, all he knew was that he had no idea what to think or feel at this point. She was far more beautiful than he had remembered her. Her hair had more of an auburn color than the last time he'd seen her and her eyes were sparkling. It took a long time before he even noticed she was wearing her pajamas, but on the other hand, she would've looked beautiful wearing a garbage bag.

For a long time, they just stared at each other, amazed that it had been so long, then Taylor finally gave him a warm smile and said: "_Hi." _She leaned in and gave him a hug. "_How have you been?"_

"_Um…I've been good…"_ He didn't really say much, but then again, he never had been much of a talker. "_What…What are you doing here?" _The question came out sounding rather abrupt and harsh. Noticing, Taylor's frowning to this, he quickly continued: "_I'm sorry, I just had no idea you were coming, and I haven't seen you in five years, so…"_

"_I get it. I just didn't want anybody knowing I was coming home, because I didn't think my Jetlagged self could handle it if Summer would've thrown me like this huge Welcome Back-party or anything, so I wanted to keep it quiet."_

"_So…you here for good?" _Ryan wondered, raising an eyebrow. He couldn't get over how different she was. A lot less eccentric and more calm.

"_Yeah. I always planned to go to Berkeley when I got back from Paris, it just took me a little longer than I expected. I never was that fond of Newport, and I love my mother and everything, but in moderation…"_

He smiled understandingly. He'd met her mother before and knew exactly what she meant.

Taylor looked over her shoulder a little nervously. "_Um…you wanna come in? Catch up a little?" _She gave him a little smile.

" _I really just came to leave this here…",_ he said, holding out the wrapped gift he'd bought. He wasn't in the mood for small talk, especially with the former girlfriend whom he hadn't seen in nearly five years. But seeing her pleading eyes, he gave in. "_Okay, but only for a few minutes."_

"_YAY!"_Taylor cried out in excitement. She was still Taylor after all. _"Let me just put some clothes on."_

After she'd thrown on a decent-looking T-shirt and a pair of jeans, they took a seat in the couch, and she began asking him about his classes, about the Cohens, about Berkeley, his friends and everything else there was to talk about, until he finally felt it was his turn to ask some questions.

"_So…How was Paris?" _He really couldn't think of anything other to ask.

"_It was…amazing. It was everything I hoped for and more. It was so amazing that I decided to stay over the summer and worked as a tourist guide actually, to figure out what I should do next. And I met a lot of really cool people too."_

"_Yeah…" _Ryan nodded. "_I read your blog."_

"_Oh. Right." _Taylor said, trying to remember all the stuff she had written in it.She added with a smile: "_You know, I gained a lot more followers after I moved to Paris and hooked up with all those French guys. Sex really does sell, I guess."_

"_Yeah, with all of that, Henri-Michel must have more than enough to write a whole new book." _He tried to say it in a casual, joking tone but it came out sounding almost bitter.

Taylor's face immediately gained a serious and stern expression. "_Ryan, I…"_

"_No, Taylor, really it's okay. You don't have to explain yourself to me. After we broke up…I've been fine. We wouldn't have been able to make the whole long-distance thing work anyway." _

"_Right."_

"_I'm just happy you moved on, I'm actually thankful you did. I have."_

"_Oh? You've met someone? That's great" _, she said in a happily surprised tone, or at least that was what she was going for.

"_Yeah. Her name's Sarah, she's another Architecture student here at Berkley. We've been together for almost six months." _He nodded as he said this_"And I still haven't told her I love her"_, he added in his thoughts.

" _That's great. I'm happy for you." _She really tried to make it sound as sincere as possible.

"_Yeah…So anyways, I should probably get going. I have to study. Last year of school you know, so there's a lot to be done." _It was such a lame excuse, but it was the only one he could come up with so quickly. He didn't want things to get more awkward between them than they alredy had.

"_Of course. I didn't mean to keep you for so long. I don't know what got into me. Jetlag probably."_

"_Right. So, I'll see you around?"_

"_Yep. Guess you will." _She said giving him a forced smile. Then she added in an attempted playful tone, that unfortunately just came out in a stalker kind of way: "_Whether you like it or not."_

He smiled nervously, since he didn't know how else to respond. They said their goodbyes at the door, giving each other an awkward hug, and as she closed it, she leaned against the door and heaved a big sigh. "_Wow, didn't that go well?" _she said out loud with unmistakable irony to no one in particular. "_Taylor, you're so embarrassing! Could you've been _any _smoother?" _

Pancakes just stared at her, giving her a I-told-you-so look, and squeaked a little.

Taylor just glared at the little bunny. "_Oh, don't you dare say anything." _


	3. The Dissapointments

**Chapter 3: The Disappointments**

The next day, Taylor woke up really early as she still hadn't made the time adjustment, and realized that she had dreamt of Ryan. She couldn't remember what the dream had been about, but still found it disturbing. She immediately decided to do something that would distract her from last nights embarrassments, so she went straight into the shower.

But after showering, doing manis and pedis, styling her hair, putting on a cute outfit and doing her make-up, and realizing it still wasn't even five am, she decided to do Seth and Summer the favor of trying to clean up their place. It wasn't that it was particularly messy, she just always started cleaning when she had something on her mind or when something bothered her. This time however, she tried to convince herself, she was only doing it as a thank you to Summer and Seth for letting her stay with them until she got her own place.

As she was scrubbing the stove in the kitchen, she was busy thinking to herself: _"This is so unlike me. I'm not the type of person who gets distracted by insignificant matters when I have much bigger things to be concerned about; like what I am going to do for the rest of my life...Seth and Summer already have their dream jobs...and Ryan has already figured out what he wants to do, he wants to be an architect...and he'd look so hot in a suit."_

Now she was thinking about him again. Damn it! Not thinking about him was proving a lot harder than she'd thought. She had figured it would be kinda awkward to meet him again after all this time, but this was ridiculous. "_I'm over him. I am over him, right?"_ She needed a better distraction than the stove. _"Maybe I should vacuum, then I'll probably not even be able to hear what I am thinking. Yeah, that should block it out."_

Vacuuming seemed to be working for her, until she realized that she'd been vacuuming the same spot for several minutes. That's when she finally came to terms with the fact that she probably wasn't over him after all. "_But he's over you! He has a girlfriend for god's sake!" _she muttered to herself.

"_Taylor, what are you doing?"_ Summer yelled over the vacuum cleaner as she was walking down the stairs in pajamas pants and a Save-the-Rainforest T-shirt. "_It's six o'clock in the morning. People are trying to sleep. _Pleeease _stop." _But Taylor just continued like nothing had ever been said_. S_he knew Taylor was a little weird, but cleaning at six in the morning was strange even for her. "_Taylor!" _Didn't she hear her yelling? "_Taylor, stop!" _Frenetically she continued vacuuming, until Summer walked over to her and pulled the out the plug.

Then finally, Taylor turned to look at Summer and said:"_Ryan came over last night to drop something off..." _Summer could've kicked herself for completely having forgotten telling Taylor about it. She continued: "_...and_ _I think I'm still in love with him."_

_Well, at least that explained why Taylor was acting so odd_. Summer sighed to herself. It was _way_ too early in the morning to be having this conversation, and after getting home late from the party, she hadn't exactly gotten much sleep last night. Luckily, Seth was still asleep. He didn't start until noon at the paper where he worked as a critic, and he could sleep through almost anything. It took all her will-power to resist the urge to join him, but as the good friend she was she just nodded and said: "_I'll put on some coffee so we can talk about it."_

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As Ryan was getting ready for school the next morning he had already decided that he would spend no time of the day thinking about Taylor. So, okay, she was his ex-girlfriend. But she was just that: his _ex_-girlfriend. It had been five years since he'd last seen her, and yes, she looked beatiful, and yes, it had taken him a long time to get over her, but no, he was not in love with her. Not anymore. He did however have a girlfriend. Sarah. She was smart. And nice. And pretty. And caring. She was even rather funny. And he loved her. _Right?_

If that really was true, then why hadn't he already told her that he loved her?

"_Because it just hasn't been the right time."_ Yep, he decided that was it. That was all that had been keeping him from saying it to her. It had taken him a long time with Taylor, too, and he really had loved her. _God, how he used to love her!_

But that was all in the past now and Sarah was his future. They were good for each other. And she wasn't troubled like Marissa. She was confident, and she was pretty much trauma-free as far as he knew. She was predictable, a creature of habit like himself, and safe. Safe. He needed safe, and he liked that about her. He _loved_ that about her.

They had a date later that evening and he decided that he would have to _make_ it the right time to tell her."_I'm going to tell her today. Today is the day that I'll tell her that I love her."_

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Ryan kept himself busy the rest of the day with school, focusing on not thinking of Taylor and instead forcing himself to look forward to his date with Sarah later that evening. However, as he was driving home, a phonecall came to remind him of last nights' emabarrassments. It was Seth.

"_So I guess I should probably tell you that Taylor's back in town, and she's living with us until she finds a place of her own", _Seth told him when he answered the phone.

"_Yeah, kinda noticed that when I came to drop of Sophie's gift and she opened the door."_

"_Whoa, I'm sorry, I'd completely forgotten about it. How did it go? Meeting your ex-lover for the first time in five years, that's bound to be...-"_

"_Awkward?" _Ryan finished. "_Yeah. Kinda was. Especially since I had no idea she was coming. Thanks for the heads up, though man, I really appreciated it."_

"_It was that bad, huh?"_ Seth immediately picked up on the vibes. Ryan being sarcastic was never a good sign. "_So, I'm sensing some proper Seth/Ryan time is needed here, but I've got this major review to finish and deadline's been pushed up a few days early, so I'll probably be working overtime for a while. But I promise I'll call you as soon as I've finished, okay?"_

"_Sure." _Ryan hung up, thankful that his big plans for the night hadn't come up, just in case he'd chicken out. Ryan looked at his watch and suddenly became nervous. It was time to get ready for his date with Sarah.

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"_So I was thinking that maybe we could just stay in tonight. Just watch a few movies, order some take-out, make out on the couch... I'm guessing you don't have this big thing planned, so I thought it safe to assume you wouldn't be disappointed._" Sarah smiled, hoping to see some reaction, but though he only sat a foot away from her, it seemed he was somewhere else altogether. Just to see how out of it he was, she decided to test him.

"_And maybe I could call a stripper too, and make out with her." _When he still showed no interest at all, she realized something was definitely on his mind. She gently touched his arm, and asked: "_Ryan, honey...is something wrong?"_

Ryan finally seemed to wake up from his daydreaming, and gave her a forced smile. "_No, I was just...Thinking of...I don't even know what." _Of course he knew. And he knew that she knew that there was more to the story. But as the sweet girlfriend she was, she didn't want to push it and decided to let it slide for this time. He was thinking about Taylor again, though having vowed himself not to. But he needed to focus on Sarah now. "_I'm sorry, what were you saying?"_

Happy to just have him back in the present again, she repeated: "_I was thinking that we could stay in tonight and just watch some movies. What do you say?"_

He knew exactly what he'd say. He had to tell her that he loved her. He had to tell her now, or it would be too late. If he didn't tell her now, he'd be a complete idiot. "_Sarah...I... I lo..."_

"_Yes...?" _Was he finally going to tell her that he loved her? She was fairly certain that he did love her, but that having been hurt so many times in his life previously, it was difficult for him to say it, which is why she hadn't rushed him. She had decided a long time ago that she would give him as much time as he needed, just knowing that he was there for her was enough until then. Still, it would be nice to hear him say it. _God, she hoped that's what he was going to say!_

Why was it so hard to say it? Here he was sitting with this amazing woman. They'd been going out for half a year, and he really liked her. She was everything he'd ever wanted in a girlfriend. She was the rare combination of being both smart _and _beautiful. Then why was it so hard to just say three little words?_ "I...I..." _Oh, here he was trying and it was just embarrassing. _Just tell her! "Sarah, I..." _Just finish the goddamn sentence! "..._I'd like that." _

Her heart sank terribly, and it took all her effort to keep up her smile as she said: "_Good. Then it's settled then."_

He could tell she was disappointed. He was disappointed in himself. He was a jerk. _He was an idiot!_ He should've told her. He really should've. But every time he thought about telling Sarah he loved her, all he ever saw was Taylor's face in front of him.


	4. All The More Embarrassments

**Chapter 4: All The More Embarrassments**

The next few days, Taylor did everything she could to avoid meeting with Ryan. They had met once again after the last embarrassments when Ryan had showed up to meet with Seth, and this meeting had gone even worse. They had no idea what to say to each other, shook hands awkwardly, and then Taylor excused herself by saying she needed to go to bed- at 5 pm. It had been a disastrous meeting, both Summer and Seth felt so too, and after that, the former lovers did everything they could to avoid each other.

If Seth asked Ryan if he wanted to come by to their place to watch a movie, Ryan would make up some really lame excuse, about how he really needed to clean his desk, or reorganize some files on the computer. Since Ryan never had been the organizer-type, Seth thought it pretty obvious why he avoided meeting at the apartment.

Taylor on the other hand wouldn't register for classes as she didn't want to risk bumping into Ryan, and she was now constantly questioning her decision to come back to live in Berkeley. She had known Ryan would be there, and she'd realized it would probably be weird if they saw each other. She could just as easily have decided to go back to Newport. After all, it had been her home for all these years and her mom still lived there, it could become her home once again.

She guessed that she felt on some level that she had more family in Berkeley now than she ever had in Newport. After the Cohens had moved there, and Seth and Summer had joined them too as soon as they had graduated from RISD and Brown, as Seth instantly had landed his job at a small indie film paper, she felt that she should be with them- her family. They might not have been family on paper, but they had certainly always treated her like it, even when her real family hadn't, and she really did love them. So she had decided she would have to make Berkeley her new home, though she sometimes felt vey alone in the new surroundings.

At least she had Summer. Summer had been great. When Taylor had been freaking out about her feelings for Ryan, Summer had been able to almost calm her down instantly, by allowing her to ventilate, but also by keeping her far away from the coffee. Taylor had never liked decaf , and the last thing a crazy Taylor needed, was caffeine. They had discussed Paris, Ryan, and Taylor's future career all morning, and before Seth had woken up, Taylor was almost back to normal again (as normal Taylor ever would be).

Summer had told her that it was probably just old memories of her past feelings that came up to the surface again when she saw Ryan, like phantom feelings, and that they would pass if Taylor just gave it some time to rest. And though Summer hadn't even believed in it herself, it really seemed to calm Taylor down, and that was necessary in crises like these.

And about her career, Summer told her to just relax. She was still young and already had a license degree in Literature and Linguistics, so now, if she wanted to go back to school, she could just take some classes in whatever interested her. Taylor recalled she'd always been fascinated by PR, so she decided that she would try out a few courses in marketing.

She had been very skeptic about going to U C Berkeley though, because after all, it was the school where both Ryan and his girlfriend went, and she didn't really feel like meeting either of them at campus. Summer however convinced her that she was being ridiculous as Berkeley's campus was HUGE so the chances of them seeing each other were minimal, and that she shouldn't go to a worse school just because of some boy. This seemed to convince Taylor, 'cause a week later she went to Berkeley to register at the school, after having mailed her application months ago while still in France.

She felt excited about going back to school again, she always felt safe there, because she excelled at everything she did academic-wise, and as she was strolling in, taking in the atmosphere, she immediately felt at home on campus and she had probably landed herself in a fantasy world of imagining her classes, 'cause the next thing she knew...

"_Taylor?" _It was Ryan and she'd nearly collided with him. Why did she always have to make a fool of herself whenever he was around? "_Are you enrolling here too?" _He was as hot as ever, of course, wearing a blue shirt and pair of dark jeans.

Collect yourself, Taylor, she thought to herself. "_Um, yeah, just for a few classes. I've always wanted to study some marketing, so…" _She let her voice trail off and looked away, pretending to be distracted by some flyer handouts about 50 yards away. She didn't trust herself to look at him when he was wearing that rather tight shirt. Why did she have to run into him just now? What were the odds? She was going to kill Summer when she got home again for convincing her to attend Berkeley. They were both silent for a while, and she at last decided she couldn't take the awkwardness anymore. "_Well, I better be off now…got some errands to run. But it was, um…nice to meet you." God, she was the worst liar ever! _

"_Actually, there was something I was hoping I could talk to you about", _he said before she'd even turned around to leave.

"_Yeah? Okay." _Taylor found herself getting curious, though she had no idea what Ryan would say, it wasn't everyday that he took initiative to speak, or at least not the Ryan she'd known didn't.

"_So…" _Now Ryan was the one feeling nervous. He had no idea how he would be able to make the words he was about to say come out right. He paused to think for a while.

"_So…?" _Tayor was getting anxious. _Just say it!_

He continued, knowing it would sound immensely bad. But he had to start somewhere. "_So…the whole thing about relationships is that: when they end, they rarely end well."_

"_Right." _She and Ryan certainly seemed to be proof of that. They could hardly face each other now, though they'd been so in love just a few years ago.

"_But since we see so much of each other, with you living at Seth's and Summer's and now both of us going to Berkeley, I don't want us to be all uncomfortable around each other, 'cause that would just be…" _He paused, searching for an appropriate word.

"_Awkward?" _she suggested with a shrug.

"_Yeah…" _That was the word he'd been thinking of. "_So how about if we just went back to being friends?"_

"_Um, yeah…friends. That sounds good. Except…we never really were just friends."_

"_Oh." _Maybe she was right. "_But we were friends when you were acting as my sleep therapist, weren't we?"_

"_Yeah…Except I only did that so we could get it on."_

"_Right." _This converation wasn't going where he wanted it at all. He didn't need her to remind him of their past, because he still wasn't sure of how he should feel about it. _"Anyways, I just don't want there to be any weirdness around us, and because I don't want Sarah to get jealous or think that there's something going on between us, I was thinking that maybe it's for the best…"_

"…_If we acted like we never even dated?", _she filled in. "_That we're just…"_

"…_Friends. Um, yeah, that would…that would be great." _

"_Sure. Of course. Whatever you want." _She got it. But she totally didn't see it working out, considering how weird they were around each other just now. Taylor looked around a bit nervous, and found herself staring at a café just outside of campus,recognizing a pretty 20-something blonde woman who was drinking coffee at one of the tables. "_Is that Sarah over there?" _Summer had shown her some pictures of Sarah and Ryan together and the resemblance was so obvious thatthere really was no doubt that it actually _was _her.

He looked over his shoulder to where she was sitting. "_Um, yeah, it is…you wanna meet her?"_

"_Sure…I'm sure she's… nice. She's real pretty at least." _She didn't have to lie, Sarah did look beautiful, but not in the California beach blond obvious- way, but in the understated beauty- way. She was wearing a rather plain, yet cute vintage summer jacket and a pair of dark, trendy jeans, and as she spotted Taylor and Ryan in the crowd at campus she smiled and waved. They left campus and walked over to the table where she was sitting.

"_Hey, Ry. I'd waited for you for almost 15 minutes, and I was starving, so I ordered a salad to my coffee." _She gave him a smile, then looked at Taylor, obviously waiting for Ryan to introduce them. When he didn't, she said: "_Who's your friend?"_

"_Right. Um, Sarah this is Taylor, Taylor this is my girlfriend Sarah."_

"_Hi. Nice to meet you." _Sarah smiled and reached out her hand.

"_Yeah. It's nice to meet you too," _Taylor responded, faking sincerity as they shook hands, while forcing herself to resist the urge to stab Sarah in the eye with the fork she was eating her salad with.

"_So how do you guys know each other?" _Sarah wanted to know.

Uh-oh. They hadn't discussed this. "_Well, um…" _Taylor started.

"_Um, well…" _Ryan tried.

"_Actually…we're just…"_

"_Taylor was…Um…After Marissa died, Taylor helped me through some tough times." _It wasn't a good explanation, but at least it was a full sentence.

"_Uh-huh." _Sarah didn't look convinced. She knew there was more to it, based on their awkward body language. "_So you guys used to date, huh?" _

Taylor and Ryan both nodded, embarrassed and at a loss for words.

"_Great."_ This time, Sarah couldn't really hide the sarcasm. Her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showing up just when they were at a crossroad in their relationship and when she still didn't know for sure that he actually did love her, wasn't exactly good news. She had a bad feeling about this.

And with the glances Taylor and Ryan cast each other when she was looking away, she was probably entitled to it.


	5. Friends

**Chapter 5: Friends**

For the weeks that had followed, Taylor and Ryan had worked hard on their relationship as friends. They were both very committed to making sure it worked out, but it wasn't always easy, seeing as now that it had been so long ago since they last saw each other, that they might've turned into completely different persons. But they soon realized that neither of them had changed all too much, and they soon got comfortable around each other again. Summer and Seth were really happy about this, because now that the awkwardness between them had worn off, all four of them could hang out again.

Like last Saturday, they'd gone into San Francisco and had spent the whole day there, and later, in the evening, they'd gone to the park to see a movie that was playing. It had been a major chick flick, and though none of them were really into those kinds of movies (they all wanted to go for the experience), both Summer and Taylor had loved it. Seth had just complained the entire movie about the poor writing and bad camera angles, Summer told him to shut up, then threw popcorn at him when he didn't. Ryan hadn't said much during the movie, but had teased Taylor relentlessly the whole way home in the car about how she'd cried during the sad parts.

"_Well, it was sad _and _romantic! Then you gotta love it!" _Taylor had defended herself.

"_I never really saw you as the crying kinda girl. I must say I am dissapointed. I always saw you as the I-can-work-a-chainsaw type of stalker girl", _he teased. "_The kind who pretends to be someone's sleep therapist when she wants them to sleep- with her."_

"_Hey, that was one time!" _Taylor raised her voice and pretended to be upset, but even she laughed as she said it, and the others were cracking up.

"_Ryan Atwood, delivering an actual joke with such excellence. Who would've thought?" _Seth had mused in a fake stern voice, and the girls had laughed. Though Ryan was far from being like Seth or even Sandy when it came to joking, he had developed a certain amount of comical timing in true Cohen-style, and even Seth was impressed occasionally.

Ryan had always had a way of being funnier when Taylor was around. He used to love teasing her when they were a couple, and now that she was back into his life, he realized that he'd missed her crazy quirks and how she brought out the comfortable, slightly dorky side of him. He never had as much fun with anyone else.

Though he'd definitely had his moments of laughter with Marissa, things had always been more dramatic with her. And with Sadie. And with Lindsay. And with Theresa. With Sarah, things were never intense, which was in a lot of ways a relief, but he also missed the excitement in his previous relationships. Things were never fresh or thrilling with her; they had their routines and that was pretty much it.

Taylor had always been capable of making every little outing turn into an interesting adventure, which was an amazing quality he'd really missed about her. Things were never boring or average with her, they were always exhilarating and fun. Even in San Francisco, though he hadn't particularly enjoyed the activities, he'd still had a great time just being with her and the others.

Of course, Sarah wasn't too happy about the fact that Ryan's ex-girlfriend, the girl which he had unquestionably loved, was back in town, and that Ryan was seeing her so often. But if she ever asked him about it, he told her that they were just friends, and as she knew Ryan was honest and as she refused to be the jealous girlfriend, she didn't really dare to say that much. She thought it was good that Ryan did something fun with his friends instead of just brooding, she just hoped that he wasn't enjoying himself _too _much being around Taylor, or spending his days thinking about her.

And Ryan really had done everything he could think of to keep his mind off of Taylor. A week later however, while cleaning Flapjacks' cage, he caught himself thinking of her again. He'd looked in the TV guide to see if there was a game on, and noticed that the movie they'd seen in the park had started just a few minutes ago, and seeing the title had immediately reminded him of how much fun they'd had in San Francisco. He hadn't even liked the movie, he'd thought it was rather cheesy and overdramatic. Still, after finishing cleaning Flapjacks' cage, he'd turned on the TV, and for reasons he could not explain, he'd found himself watching the movie.

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A few weeks before Thanksgiving, Seth and Ryan had decided to catch up, since they'd both been busy with school and work, they hadn't seen each other for almost a week. They met at their regular coffee shop and after getting their coffees, they started walking aimlessly. Almost immediately, Seth dropped the question:

"_So, have you broken up with Sarah yet?"_

Ryan, obviously startled by Seth's blunt manners, asked bewildered: "_Why would I do that?"_

"_Um, because Taylor, the love of your life, is back in town and you're so obviously still in love with her and she's with you." _

"_She's not in love with me. I mean, you read her blog, right?" _He was conscientiously avoiding the question that Ryan knew Seth most wanted an answer to: If he was in love with Taylor. But Ryan wasn't going to tell him. He didn't know the answer himself. He was still struggling with his conflicting emotions towards Taylor and Sarah, and he didn't want to share it with anyone until he was positive how he felt.

Of course, it would've helped if he'd have known what Taylor felt too.When he'd gotten to the apartment the first time they'd seen each other again, she'd given him a hug. But had it been a I-want-to-be-your-friend hug, or was it a I-want-to-get-back-together hug? And how did she feel now that they were friends again? Did she want to be more than friends? Or did she just like him as that: a friend?

Why did everything have to be so confusing? Why couldn't things just be simple for once? He knew what he wanted. He wanted what Sandy and Kirsten had. Sure, they had had some struggles and setbacks in their marriage, but they loved each other enough to make it work, and after nearly 25 years of marriage, they were still happy together. Somehow, he just couldn't picture him and Sarah 25 years down the line still smiling when they looked at each other. Yet, he did indeed really like Sarah and didn't want to hurt her. He just wasn't sure that he loved her. He had once thought that Taylor was his Sandy Cohen. Now he wasn't so sure.

A part of him just wanted to be with Taylor, the other part of him was saying that it wouldn't work out. Last time they'd been together, they'd been too different so they broke up, and this time…he wasn't sure. A piece of him was still mad at her for getting over him so quickly, but he couldn't hold that against her forever. They had both agreed not to keep in touch, and they hadn't been together when she'd slept with all those guys.

"_So she had some sex, big deal. It's not like you joined a monastery after she left either, right_? _Doesn't mean you don't still love her." _Seth of course knew he did, he just wanted Ryan to realize it too. And also, he liked to be right. It made him happy.

"_I don't love her. Anyways, I'm with Sarah now." _

"_And have you told her you love her?" _

Ryan was silent for a very long time, but his silence said more than any excuse he might've tried to pull off. After almost a minute he finally spoke. "_Taylor and I…we're just friends."_

Seth just nodded, highly unconvinced and with a voice that made it very obvious what he really thought. "_Friends…Right."_

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With Seth out of the apartment, Summer and Taylor took the chance to catch up a little too. Just like Seth had been, Summer was very straightforward with what she wanted to know.

"_So, have you told Ryan you're still in love with him?" _

"_No, I haven't, I mean, no I don't." _Taylor had already decided that she was not going to let Summer manipulate her into saying anything she didn't feel like saying. Because usually, Summer possessed the magic power of being able to persuade people into doing as she said. "_I've decided to put him past me. You were right. I don't have any real feelings for him, it was just phantom feelings like you said all along. We're just friends. I don't love him and that's that."_

"_Mhm. Friends?" _Summer wasn't convinced at all. She knew Taylor _way_ better than that.

"_Yes, we're good friends, but nothing more. And even if I did still love him, which I don't, he's got this great thing going with Sarah and I wouldn't want to ruin that." _Actually, she kinda did. She had met Sarah a few more times, and every time she saw her, Taylor just started searching for sharp objects, all while faking a smile so that Sarah wouldn't get suspicious of what she was _really_ thinking.

Summer was getting frustrated. Why was it so impossible for two people who were obviously so meant for each other to see that they belonged together? "_But you love him and he loves you! You're each other's Sandy Cohen!" _

Taylor felt a wave of sadness come over her. When they had been together, she always had seen Ryan as her Sandy Cohen. Then she suddenly became angry. If Ryan did love her, why was he still with Sarah? Why didn't he leave her? Why couldn't he see that Taylor was his Sandy Cohen? "_If that's true and he really does want to be with me, then he first needs to get rid of the skanky ho he calls his Jimmy Cooper!"_

"_Okay…" _Summer didn't really want to upset her anymore. She knew how hard it must be for Taylor, especially thinking of how close she and Ryan had gotten during the past few weeks. Even if it was as "just friends".

"_Until then…we're just friends." _This Taylor knew with certainty. She was never going to be the other woman, and besides, having an affair just wasn't Ryan's style. He was too descent for that.

Summer just nodded, hiding a sigh. "_Friends…Right."_


	6. The Almost Kiss

**Chapter 6: The Almost-Kiss**

With just a week left until Chrismukkah, Taylor was keeping very busy. Besides the added stress of trying to get the perfect gifts for her friends and family, she had a lot of other stuff on her mind as well. Her Marketing classes kept her occupied with lots of after- school work, but she loved it, and she was great at both the creative and the business side of things, and actually considered marketing as a potential career. And besides her own school work, she was also helping others with _their _schoolwork. She had started tutoring French to a few struggling campus students, and watching them getting better with every session, she not only enjoyed it, but felt that she was really making a difference, and that made her feel amazing. And as hobbies, she was really starting to become good in her cooking class, and she'd also picked up a new dance class to complement her gym training, and she was really loving how free dancing made her feel. And whenever she had some spare time, she was either translating French poetry or trying to learn German by listening to a language course in her iPod.

She kept so busy with everything that there really wasn't any time for her to meet a guy, and to be honest, she really wasn't trying to either. Her love life was really nonexistent, but that was okay, 'cause for the first time in her life, she found herself being able to be happy on her own. If love and the right person would come along the way, it would be great, but until then she was content being single too. She wasn't going to get out and _search_ for a relationship, 'cause that never ended well, and if she ever had been interested in getting back together with Ryan, she was now completely convinced that they were only meant to be friends.

Yet, she hadn't been interested in anyone else either, and she sometimes found herself missing what Summer and Seth had, what she and Ryan had had once…but she always convinced herself that she couldn't think like that anymore, that she and Ryan were just friends and nothing more.

And having him as a friend was great, 'cause she hadn't really made any new close friends. There were definitely people at campus and in her class that she could talk to or have lunch with, but she hadn't gained a new best friend, or anyone in particular that she met outside of school, besides the students she tutored. But that was okay, seeing how she barely had time with her old friends. If it wasn't for the fact that she was still living with Summer and Seth, she'd probably never even see them, since the couple both had jobs that kept them busy.

She did see Ryan a lot, though. Berkeley might've been a large school, but they somehow always managed to bump into each other and often went for a cup of coffee after classes. It was rather peculiar, but Ryan and Sarah never really hung out at campus. Sarah had so many friends of her own that Ryan didn't like or fitted in with particularly well with, so he avoided any time he could spend with them. And though he had made some good friends during his freshman year, they weren't really in the same classes as him anymore, so being the loner he somewhat still was, he was often by himself when they weren't around.

With both of them not having anyone else to talk to, it had become natural for Ryan and Taylor to spend a lot of time together after classes. They would frequently grab a coffee together and discuss what they were up to at the moment, because with Taylor, there was always something new going on. She would tell him all about school, tutoring, the books she read, her language course and her dance class, and in turn, though he kept his most intimate thoughts to himself, he'd talk about his relationship with Sarah in a way that always made Taylor immediately figure out what was going on.

They had really drifted closer and closer during the past months, something Sarah wasn't at all too happy about, but as long as he swore that they were just friends, she felt that there was no point in complaining about it as that would hardly improve the status of their own relationship.

At least Taylor was pleased with her own life at the moment. The only cloud on her otherwise so spotless sky, was the fact that she still hadn't found an apartment of her own. She had been looking actively for all this time but still hadn't managed to find something that fitted her needs in distance, size and budget. She had now been living with Summer and Seth for over three months, every day eating their cereals and drinking their milk, and she felt that she couldn't really trespass on their hospitality any longer. Though both Summer and Seth loved Taylor and knew she would never intentionally try to be in the way, living with her all the time…it had it's downsides too.

Seth had been very annoyed the other day when he'd come home to find that there was no bagels left, and then there was all the times when he just couldn't stand all the girl talk. It wasn't that he didn't like Taylor, 'cause he really did. In fact, she was the only person he knew that loved Yakuza and anime as much as he did and occasionally, they would strike up long debates about a certain film or director, debates that they both very much enjoyed. It was just the fact that he missed spending some quality time with his girlfriend, and that he thought of Taylor like a sister that got in the way between them.

To make up for the times she'd accidentally spoiled for Summer and Seth (like last week when she'd gone into the bathroom to grab a moisturizer and had realized that they were standing in the shower half naked…It had been rather embarrassing for all of them), she really wanted to give them one night of privacy. But she also knew she needed to ask Ryan of a _tiny_ favor to be able to make it happen…She just knew it could be kinda awkward, and Sarah probably wouldn't be too happy, but since Ryan was the only friend she had that could help her pull this off, she still had to ask, and she prayed that he would say yes.

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

After Ryan had told her about Taylor's favor request, Sarah was quiet for a long time, and when she finally spoke, she wasn't too happy at all.

"_So Taylor will be spending tonight at your place?" _Sarah honestly couldn't believe what she was hearing. During all the time they'd been together, nearing nine months now, Sarah had only been up to his off-campus apartment four times as he would always rather be at her place, and now Taylor was spending the night there- with him? Did he expect her to be okay with that? She raised an eyebrow in disbelief and gave him a look that clearly demanded an explanation.

"_Yeah, is that going to be a problem?" _Ryan obviously knew that she wouldn't approve, but he felt he didn't have much of a choice other than to let Taylor sleep over at his place. After first telling Sarah about it, of course.

"_Um, you're super hot ex-girlfriend that you used to be totally in love with is sleeping over at your place. No, why would that be a problem?" _She was using the sarcasm on him, that was never a good sign. She was furious, and it wouldn't exactly be easy to convince her that he was doing the only thing he could possibly do. How was he going to be able to sugarcoat this?

"_I know you think it's a little weird, but it's just so that Seth and Summer can spend some time alone together, and she has nowhere else to go." _It wasn't an excellent excuse, but it was the only one he had. Of course Sarah was going to think it was weird, she had every reason to feel uncomfortable when her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend was spending the night with him, but he didn't feel like he had any other choice. He wanted to help Taylor out, but he couldn't very well tell Sarah that or she would start throwing furniture around. Sarah was usually very calm by nature and it took a lot to piss her off, but when she got mad, she really went _mad _and you didn't want to be around her when she did.

"_All about helping out beautiful women in need, aren't you? A regular Superman is what you are!" _He knew best not to say much when she got like this so he was quiet.

She sighed, then took a pause to calm herself down and let the mockery run off of her. She knew herself well enough to know that it wasn't really the fact that Taylor was sleeping over at Ryan's that she was actually med at, though it certainly was weird. What really bothered her, was that she was still concerned about the instability of hers and Ryan's relationship. Now, months after her original worries about how Ryan felt towards her, things were no different. He still hadn't told her he loved her, and he only seemed to get more and more distracted when he was with her, like he was somewhere else completely. It wasn't the ideal relationship at all, but the problem was, that no matter what Ryan's feelings towards _her_ were, she was still as in love with him as she'd been the first time she knew that he was the one. The only difference now, was that Taylor was there.

Already slightly more calm, she heaved a sigh. "_Why can't she just stay at a hotel for one night?"_

Ryan honestly hadn't thought of that, and he guessed Taylor hadn't either, but he presumed she didn't see it as a problem since they were supposed to be nothing more than friends anyways, and friends helped each other out. If he had a free bed, then there were no reason to why she shouldn't sleep there. Assuming Sarah agreed of course, but he didn't really know what to answer her. Luckily, it seemed to have been more of a rhetorical question, because Sarah didn't demand an answer to it.

Instead, she just sighed again, knowing that there was only one answer anyhow that could make her tranquil, and that's why she had to ask: "_Can you honestly tell me that there's nothing going on between you and Taylor?"_

Ryan repeated it for what felt like the thousandth time. "_I've told you, we're just friends."_

"_If you say so, then I have to believe you." _She didn't really feel like she had any other choice. "_I guess I'm okay with it." _She still refused to be jealous, it had never been her style, and a part of her was still certain that Ryan was the most decent guy she'd ever met. But she was also certain of the fact that she would be spending the entire night by herself at her own apartment, wallowing in tons of Ben & Jerry and spending the rest of the evening worrying and not being able to get any sleep.

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Later that evening, Taylor and Ryan was just getting home to his apartment after a whole afternoon of planning, fixing and organizing to make Seth's and Summer's evening together their best yet. Straight after school, and straight after Ryan telling Sarah about all of it, they'd gone directly to the Cohen/Roberts apartment and started spreading rose petals around, placing different flower bouquets around the entire place, charging the stereo with romantic music, prepping the DVD with cheesy movies and placing candles everywhere. Taylor had also cooked them a wonderful Chinese inspired meal (she'd definitely learned some skills in cooking class), and had baked a delicious chocolate soufflé for dessert. Everything had been perfect when Seth and Summer finally stepped through the front door, and Summer was ecstatic about how beautiful everything was, and Seth too was so thankful for what they'd pulled off.

Ryan and Taylor both felt very happy after the whole thing as they made their way into Ryan's living room. The appreciative looks on Summer's and Seth' faces was enough to make all their hard work seem worth it. They were both exhausted when they threw themselves on to the couch, and didn't really say much. Taylor was the first one to break the silence, given how talking would never be Ryan's thing.

"_Nice place you got here." _She didn't have to lie, Ryan's apartment, though small, was very inviting and held a comfortable atmosphere. It looked a lot like a man's home, with rather dark walls and oak furniture and black and brown details to frame the room in an almost vintage style way but with a modern twist. In the living room, there weren't much furniture besides the sofa they were sitting in, a small arm-chair, a TV and DVD player and a large bookshelf, but everything complemented itself nicely and it looked like someone had put a lot of thought into decorating the place.

"_Uh, thanks. Kirsten helped me out a lot with the interior."_

That explained some of it. Taylor smiled. "_Well, it looks great." _She went up from the couch to take a tour in the tiny kitchen, and straightaway spotted a bunny cage and immediately recognized the little black and white bunny in it as Flapjacks'. Gesturing towards the cage, she turned to ask Ryan: "_Can I let him out?"_

"Sure."

Taylor picked up Flapjacks' and held him as if he was a little baby and the rabbit then squeaked joyfully when she patted it. He had gotten so big since the last time she'd seen him. "_He's so cute, and he seems to be doing well. Who knew Ryan Atwood had a nursing side in him?" _She smiled at him and he just laughed.

"_I'm full of surprises", _Ryan said in a playful tone and winked. They both started laughing, since they both knew that was far from true. Ryan may have been many things, but surprising wasn't one of them. He was a creature of habit, and Taylor had always liked that about him, seeing as how she was the complete opposite of that. Therefore, being around Ryan always made her feel safe. Just like she felt now.

A few minutes later, she let the bunny inside again, and after washing their hands, they heated some of the food she'd done for Seth and Summer, and after they'd finished the tasty soufflé, they were both content and full. They talked while drinking some wine, and both occasionally glanced at the TV which was airing some boring game show, but neither of them were interested in it.

"_So Sarah wasn't too happy about me spending the night here was she?" _Taylor finally asked, sipping her wine.

"_Um, no." _He shifted uncomfortably. "_She seems to think there's something going on between us."_

"_And what did you tell her?" _

"_The truth obviously", _he said. He faced her and looked her straight in the eyes. God, how he'd missed those eyes! They were a perfect mixture of hazel and green, and depending on the time of the day and the light, and always changing by her mood, the colors blended, but they were always as beautiful. "_That we're just friends." _He seemed to lean a little closer as he said this.

"_Good. I mean, since there's absolutely nothing going on between us." _She tilted her head.

"_Exactly. And that's…that's what I told her." _It was getting harder to focus on delivering the words, he was barely even listening anymore, he was almost lost in her still gaze, now only inches away from her.

"_Cause we're just friends. I mean, we may have used to kiss… and have sex together…and it may have been amazing,…" _It sure had been, Taylor though to herself, but she had to resist. She _had_ to. "…_but that's all in the past now."_

"_Right." _Ryan didn't even believe it the moment he spoke the word. He leaned even closer to Taylor and he was now breathing in her air, and could feel the scent of her beautiful hair. It was as if nothing else mattered when his lips leaned into meet hers. There was no Sarah, there was no school, there was nothing else in the whole world but the two of them. He closed his eyes and waited for the moment he'd waited for the past five years.

"_Yeah, it's really great that we're just…" _She started as she closed her eyes and prepared herself for the kiss she knew to come. It was a perfect moment, a timeless moment when the whole world seemed to seize to exist. But barely had their lips touched, until the perfect moment was gone. A loud phone signal echoed through the apartment and suddenly everything went back to normal. They snapped out of their temporary insanity, and broke apart as he reached for the phone. It was Sarah.

And as he answered Sarah's call, Taylor just sighed under her breath. "…_Friends. Right."_


	7. Finally

**Chapter 7: Finally**

With only two days to go before Chrismukkah, Taylor and Ryan were busy rushing around at the mall, shopping gifts together for their friends. Ryan hated to shop and walking around aimlessly and having no idea what he was looking for, he'd decided that definitely needed a girls input on what he would get Sarah. And that's where Taylor would help him. What did you get your girlfriend since nine months that didn't scream I love you, but wasn't as impersonal as the dictionary he'd gotten Taylor for her birthday five years ago? He needed to get a gift that signaled: I like things the way they are now, and he needed to get it fast, because Sarah was leaving for New York that night to spend the holidays with her family.

Sarah wasn't too happy about leaving Ryan, especially knowing that Taylor had decided to stay in Berkeley for the break and was spending Chrismukkah with Ryan's family. But again, she felt she had no other choice, and she couldn't very well suggest that the Cohen's would exclude Taylor from dinner seeing as how she was practically a part of the family, and knew no one in Berkeley that wasn't a part of the Cohen-clan.

This was the first day since the sleepover that Ryan and Taylor had hung out, and neither of them had mentioned what had almost happened between them that night. When Ryan had asked her for some advice for a gift to his girlfriend, she'd just suggested in a friendly tone that they went looking together while shopping for the rest of the gang too. And here they were, having wandered at the mall for nearly two hours and so far, the only gift either of them had gotten was a prebeautiful white dress for Summer made of organic materials that Taylor was getting her. Ryan constantly had Sarah's gift on his mind and everything he saw, he immediately sorted into the 'no'-pile or the 'maybe'-pile he'd created in his head.

"_What about this?" _Taylor suggested holding up a box set of vinyl albums by The Clash.

"_Sarah doesn't like The Clash." _Ryan said absentmindedly and turned his head towards another section of the store without seeing anything more interesting there. He really hated malls. Always so crowded, especially now with only a few days to go before Christmas, and you never really found anything useful in them either unless you knew exactly what you were looking for. And he really had no idea.

"_Yeah, I didn't picture Sarah as a Clash-fan either, I was thinking more for Seth…?" _Taylor raised an eyebrow. Ryan's mind was clearly elsewhere, but they both really needed to finish their gift-shopping before it was too late. They were already last minute.

"_Yeah, yeah. Seth would like that. Thanks." _He gave a forced smile after having decided that he needed to stay focused. After standing over half an hour in the waiting line, he and Taylor left the store with the Clash box set all wrapped up in bag. And after a few more hours, they left the mall altogether after actually buying some gifts.

At least Taylor had since long bought Seth his gift: a very rare edition of the original X-men comic she knew he'd always wanted to get, and she'd also bought her mom a year long membership to a yoga center in Newport, as she figured that if anyone needed the calm that yoga gave some people, it was her mom. She'd also persuaded Ryan to get Sandy a Hugo Boss cologne, and some really nice earrings for Kirsten. The easiest gift to buy however had been the one for Sophie: a long princess gown as she was still only five and had become obsessed with Cinderella recently, and for Ryan's little brother, Jared, they'd bought the joint gift of a major Car-garage for all his toy cars. And they'd also found a nice gift for Sarah. With now only a few gifts remaining to buy, Taylor and Ryan both felt more relaxed as he was driving her home.

"_Thanks for the ride", _Taylor said as Ryan pulled up the car on the driveway. "_And thanks for the company when shopping."_

"_No, thank you for the help with everything. Without you I would never have found the perfect gift for Sarah." _That was certainly true. Taylor had convinced Ryan, who'd been completely clueless what to get Sher, to buy her a simple, but beautiful silver necklace at one of the jeweler stores, as it was the type of jewelry that worked for every occasion without ever appearing boring, and almost every girl loved her jewelry.

"_It was my pleasure. Always happy to help." _She gave him a friendly smile as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

"_Look, I feel really bad about forcing you into helping me out today. The least I can do is to buy you dinner tomorrow. Around…eight?" _

"_But it's Christmas Eve tomorrow, I've got a lot of things to take care of, some more gifts to buy and wrap…"_

"Well, we'll do that together. _Come on", Ryan smiled mischievously._ He knew she was just trying to come up with another excuse. "_I'll fix dinner, and maybe even dessert."_

"_Oh? You're cooking now?" _Taylor raised an eyebrow as she found it very difficult to believe. The only things she'd seen Ryan make were bagels and grilled cheese sandwiches, and that hardly qualified as making dinner.

"_No, I said I'd _buy _you dinner, meaning _buying _an ordered in pizza, and maybe I'll even get some out-of-the-box cake if you're really lucky", _he joked and she laughed. That was the Ryan she knew alright.

"_That's what I thought",_ she smiled.

"_But you'll do it? You'll stop by?" _He asked hopefully.

"_Okay, I will. It's a date." _Just using the word date made her feel uncomfortable, and she realized it might've come out wrong, or he might've interpreted it incorrectly. "_I mean, not like a date date, just a date, a regular old date, like when you set a date for your wedding, I mean, not that we're setting a wedding date or anything, we're not Seth and Summer, we're not engaged, we're not even dating, well, obviously not since you're dating Sarah…" _Why was she rambling about dates and engagements with Ryan? Just stop talking, Taylor, just stop!

"_Taylor?" _Ryan said in a soft voice.

"_Yeah..?" _She asked biting her lip, feeling herself getting more nervous by every second. Why couldn't she ever shut her mouth?

"_It's okay, you don't have to say anything, you can just nod if you mean yes." _He always managed to stay so calm when she got like this, and it really helped soothe her. Taylor nodded to this.

"_Good", _Ryan smiled, but the smile faded as he glanced at his watch. "_Um, I should probably drive to Sarah's now, since this is her last night before she goes off to New York for a whole week."_

"_Um, sure, sorry I kept you so long with my crazy rambling." _She jumped out of the car, and before closing the door behind her, said: "_Good night."_

"_Yeah, you too." _And just knowing that he'd see her tomorrow made him smile.

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The next night, Taylor and Ryan were sitting in his sofa eating pizza. After they'd finished their Christmas shopping, she'd helped him put a female touch on his previously very poorly Christmas decorated apartment and now the place was oozing with the right spirit.

Wiping his hands on a napkin, Ryan said: "_So I just wanted to say that I'm glad to have you back in my life as a friend. This thing with being friends…It could have been really weird, but we've really made it work." _

"_I guess."_ Taylor shruggedYeah, just friends, except that I'm always forcing myself not to kiss you, she added in her thoughts.

"_And I honestly don't know what would've happened if I hadn't had you help me with the Christmas gifts…Shopping obviously isn't my strong suit." _And neither was talking, so why was he even bothering? This just couldn't come out right. "_Being just friends with your ex can be difficult but it's really great that we've really gotten this to work out. Because, like I told Sarah last night for the thousandth time, there's nothing going on between us…" _His pathetic attempt to convince himself was getting ridiculous, but he seemed to have no control over himself. Denial was the best coping mechanism he knew. "_We're just friends." _

"_Yeah, friends with benefits…" _Taylor had let it slip before even thinking. Why had she said that? Why, why, why? She could've kicked herself. She probably would have had if she'd have thought it would actually help.

"_What benefits?" _Ryan asked mystified by her words.

Taylor figured there was no point in trying to take back what she'd said. She might as well continue as she'd already started. And besides, they couldn't avoid the subject forever, or deny it ever happened. At some point, it was bound to come up anyways. "_Um, you almost kissed me…?"_

"_When did I almost kiss you?" _

"_Um, last week, when I slept over at your place…Before the phone rang…?"_ When he showed no sign of recognition, she asked: _"You don't remember?"_ She found that very hard to believe.

"_Come on, that wasn't an almost kiss. Was it?" _He was still using the denial, but it didn't seem to work quite as well as he hoped.

"_Um, I'm pretty sure it kinda was. You were less than an inch away from my face. I mean it's fine by me and everything, I mean it's not like we still have any feelings for each other anymore, right?" _

Ryan seemed to snap out of his dreaming of what could once possibly have been. "_Right. I mean, sure, I did have a hard time getting over you, but I am now, and you certainly seemed to move on quickly. All those guys in Paris…"_ A part of him still got upset just thinking about it.

"_About that…I have a confession to make." _This was the moment of truth. If she was ever going to tell him, this was the right time. Or rather, she would have to make it the right time, because there never was a right time for theses kinds of things. It was really hard to know how to begin, so she just started talking with no direction to where she was going to stop. "_After I headed to Paris and we broke up…all the stuff I wrote about in my blog, they really weren't all that true…After you …there never was anyone else." _The words came running out of her faster now, 'cause she didn't really care anymore, she just kept talking and it felt so good to finally be able to say it. Ryan was silent the whole time as she continued:

"_I mean, I tried dating a few guys knowing that I needed to move on and you probably had, so I might as well get over you, you know? But after a while I just gave up, 'cause it felt so pointless. None of them were like you, and no one could take your place. I never stopped loving you, and I hate that I have sprung this on you 'cause it's probably the last thing you need right now and it's not like I'm asking you for a response or anything...and of course now you'll probably just think that I'm this incredibly stupid blabbering person, 'cause nothing can shut me up…- "_

Ryan didn't have to say anything, he just reacted instantly and finally gave into five years of fighting temptations and longing and just kissed her. Taylor was astound at first, but then she too caved and just acted on her instincts as the kisses grew more passionate.

He picked her up from the sofa, not even noticing the pizza carton that fell to the floor, and carried her into the bedroom without ever taking his eyes or lips away from her. Having her back in his arms again just felt too damn good, and he had no intention of losing her again.

They kissed like there was no tomorrow, and neither of them thought about tomorrow, because as they kissed, nothing else mattered, nothing else even existed. It was just the two of the giving into what felt right and what they'd wanted all along. It was the passion that they'd tried to bury all these years, but that somehow had come back to haunt them and stir up all those feelings again, a passion that would never falter. They were mean to be. They both sensed it, and they both had felt it all along. And that was all that mattered in that moment. A moment that neither of them would ever forget.


	8. The Morning After

**Chapter 8: The Morning After**

When Taylor woke up the next morning, she found herself desperately clinging to what she'd just dreamt about. It was almost too good to be true, which is why she was certain that she'd been dreaming the entire thing, even though it had felt so real. She forced her eyes open and saw herself laying next to a still sleeping Ryan. "_It wasn't a dream." _she whispered to herself and smiled. Her body was completely relaxed, her mind emptied and in that moment, life just felt so simple. It was as if every part of her had expected this to happen, wanting it, craving it, and now that it had happened, it just felt so right. For the first time in her life, she lived in the moment, and there was nothing that could distract her from it. There were no Christmas celebrations, there were no Sarah, there was no tomorrow, there were no consequences. All there was, was this moment, and in it, she wanted to be with Ryan. There were no doubts, no uncertainties, no nothing that could tell her otherwise. She was here with him, and that was all that mattered. A little smile spread across her face as she just felt so _happy_, so _complete_.

Whenever previously she'd been with a man, it had been because she on some level wanted him to save her, heal her or complete her, because she had been so lost. But now, she was actually liking life, and she was proud of the person she'd become. She'd grown so much over the past years. She was no longer the insecure, conniving, hated high school student who would do anything to get ahead, even sleep with the Dean just to get Social Chair position, and that was desperate for some attention from her parents. She was so far from that girl now, that she could barely even remember what that Taylor had been like. She didn't need anyone to save her, she knew who she was now and what she wanted, but Ryan was the only person who could fill the space in her heart that no one else could fill.

However much she had tried to fight it during the past years, she had never gotten over Ryan, and that's why she hadn't been able to even date anyone else. Ryan just complemented her. When they had first started dating, neither of them had thought it would work out long-term as they were so different, but they had discovered that they were similar in a lot of ways to. They had both been afraid of confronting things, but they had helped each other through their insecurities and they had both grown so much from it.

Now, they were both adults and had changed a lot, with both of them having a strong sense of self, but it was as if this fact only made them more compatible. They weren't kids anymore, and now they knew better what to expect from each other. They knew the other's flaws and bad sides, but now they could appreciate these quirks more and accept them as part of the other person, in a way that just made them love each other even more. And as she laid there in his arms, she had no doubts that they were right for each other. Nothing could question that. They were in love, and always would be. They were meant to be.

She had known this was certainty since that afternoon five years ago, when they had spent an enchanted hour together on the train in the sleeper car. She felt that last night was just as magical as that afternoon had been, and thinking about it again, she was brought back to the moment in the sleeper car.

-------Flashback---------

"Ryan…I love you so much…" _she sighed pleased. After nearly half an hour's agonizing but amazing love making, she was lying on top of him in the sleeper car, exhausted but satisfied. After realizing that he was stuck on the train for another hour, they had both rushed to the sleeper car, and had kissed crazily in the hallway on the way, and she'd already started unbuttoning his shirt. He had carried her the last meters into the sleeper car, kicked the door closed, and had laid her down on the bed, where she'd started unhooking her bra. With both of them knowing that this was their last time together, they had made love like never before. Unlike their regular escapades that were usually rather quick, adventurous and fun, this time had been slow, fervent and almost painful, but absoluttely amazing. Breathing in each other's hot air, staring into each other's eyes, and satisfying each other endlessly, they never wanted to let go of each other and they had touched each other with a never fading passion that would linger for years to come. _

_Afterwards, Taylor kissed his bare chest with her soft lips, as Ryan turned his head to look at her with those deep blue eyes. _"Taylor…" _he had said in a low voice that still bore traces of exhaustion, but also of sadness. _"I love you more than anything, but I have to go…" _He kissed her forehead as she laid there in his arms. _

_Taylor turned to face him with sorrow in her eyes. She didn't know if she could bare losing him again. The time they had been apart while she'd been in Paris had only made them realize how much they loved each other, and now she was just supposed to let him go? How was that fair? _"Do you really have to?" _she asked in a pleading voice. She knew of course that he couldn't stay on the train with her forever, seeing how they had both decided that this was the end of their relationship. They had already agreed that they wouldn't keep in touch. They would miss each other too much, and it just seemed pointless with the immense distance. Still, she found the agreement really hard to keep as she realized this was the last time she would see him for a really long time, maybe for ever._

"Yes, Taylor you know I have to leave." _He sat up in the bed, and after finding his shirt in the pile of clothes on the floor, he started buttoning it. _"As much as I would love to stay, I don't even have a ticket…" _A part of him had wished more than anything that he could stay or even follow her to Paris, but they both knew that they had to live their dreams first, or else they'd end up resenting each other. _

_He was now almost finished getting dressed, and they both noticed that the train had started slowing down. They were almost at the station now, and they both knew that it was time to say good-bye. Taylor was rather quiet as she got dressed because she didn't want to ruin the moment by starting up some small talk about the weather or anything equally uninteresting. They had had this last hour together, they both knew how they felt and there was no point of discussing it. They both knew that letting each other go was the right thing to do, but that didn't make it any less difficult. _

_The train had stopped now, and a voice in the speaker box announced that they had arrived in San Bernardino and that it was time to get off. They both looked at each other, exchanging glances that spoke more than any words ever could. In that moment, as she opened the door of the sleeper car, it struck her how much she was going to miss him. She had never loved another man more than she loved Ryan, and now, watching him for the final time, she was certain she never would. They were soul mates, they completed each other and they were good together. The months she'd spent with Ryan had been the happiest of her entire life, but now it was time for Ryan to depart. With a last look on the bed where they'd been resting less than a minute ago, she took his hand and spoke in a silent, mournful voice: _"Come on, I'll walk you out."

_---------Flashback ends---------_

She smiled at the thought of the memory as she sat up in the bed. Thinking about last night, and how happy she felt, she realized that this was the moment she'd been waiting for all her life, when everything just felt so right. Closing her eyes, she was even certain that she saw their future pass by.

"_What are you thinking about?" _Ryan's amused voice interrupted her daydreaming.

"_I was just thinking that I should make some breakfast." _she said, suddenly feeling very hungry. She glanced at the alarm clock next to the bed and discovered it was already six am. Usually, she would've been up over a hour ago. It was definitely time for breakfast. "_How do you feel about…blueberry pancakes?" _It was a specialty she'd picked up in her cooking class, and she suddenly felt a craving for it. She was already getting off the bed and had started looking for her clothes.

"_No, come back to bed." _Ryan moaned, reaching for her hand. After just having her back in his arms, he wasn't about to let her go again, and he wasn't in the mood for breakfast. She leaned over him, with only the covers hiding her naked body, and kissed him again.

"_I should really make…" _Taylor started, but found it very hard to finish the sentence as their kisses only grew more passionate. Next thing she knew, she was all wrapped up in his arms and all thoughts of pancakes were completely gone.

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After snuggling together for almost two hours, both Ryan and Taylor figured it was time to get up. It was Christmas Day after all and they were starting the Chrismukkah celebrations at the Cohen's in less than three hours. Since Ryan had nothing in the refrigerator, they ended up eating some cold pizza for breakfast, but neither of them really cared. They were together now and that was all that mattered. However, now slightly more awake, a bothering thought crossed both of their minds, and Taylor at least felt she couldn't avoid the subject any longer.

"_What are you going to do about Sarah?"_

The words lingered in the air quite some time before another word was uttered. He hadn't really thought about it. He just knew that it would feel rather bed to end a nine month long relationship over the phone, especially today being Christmas, her favorite holiday. He couldn't do that to her. After all, he had cheated on her, and despite the fact that he didn't love her, she hadn't deserved that. He owed it to her to make some sort of redemption for his actions, and telling her the truth in person was the least he could do. "_I am going to tell her as soon as she gets back from New York", _he decided, knowing it was the right thing to do.

"_How do you think she's gonna take it?" _Taylor asked in a soft voice. She really did feel bad for Sarah. If it had been Taylor that Ryan had cheated on…she didn't know what she would've done. Still, Taylor found it hard to feel completely miserable now that she was with Ryan, because she just felt so disgustingly happy being with him.

"_Okay, I guess." _Ryan shrugged. Breaking up with someone was never easy, but this time, it was definitely the right thing to do_. "Things have been quite bad between us for a long time now, so I guess she's kinda expecting it."_

Taylor nodded solemnly. "_We probably shouldn't be with each other until you've told her",_ she continued. _"It would be unfair to Sarah. And until you've told her…it's probably best if we don't tell anyone else about it either. Not even Summer or Seth."_ It wasn't that she didn't trust them, it would just feel disgracing towards Sarah. She should be the first person to know that her boyfriend was cheating on her, not the last.

He nodded agreeing. She was right of course. "_Then you should probably get back to Seth and Summer's until they realize that you're missing and start suspecting what we've been up to."_

She smiled a little at his words. It made there actions sound so mischevious and innocent, but in reality, it was a lot more than that. However, she needed to get ready for the Cohen's party so it was definitely time for her to be off. "_Yeah, you're right." _Since she was already dressed, she just stepped out in the hallway and slipped her shoes on. Grabbing her jacket, she faced Ryan to say good-bye. She leaned in to kiss him, but then figured it was inappropriate seeing how they'd just agreed to stay away from each other until he'd told Sarah. Instead, they hugged a very awkward friends-hug, and a gave a really lame wave. "_Um…Good-bye. We'll see each other soon, I guess." _

"_Yeah, of course. Bye!" _He smiled nervously as he closed the door behind her. It was too weird to go from lovers one minute to buddies the next. Their embarrassing good-bye was nearly as bad as the pathetic just-friends awkwardness they had shared not too long ago, and now they were back to that again. He had no idea how they were going to survive another week of just being friends without everyone figuring out what was going on.


	9. Hide and seek

**Chapter 9: Hide and Seek**

A few hours later, Taylor was standing outsider the Cohen's with Summer and Seth. After getting back from Ryan's, she'd rushed into the shower and had started getting ready, and as far as she knew, neither of her roommates had noticed she'd been gone all night as they seemed to have been fast asleep when she got back. At least neither Seth or Summer had mentioned anything about her absence, and Taylor felt that was a good sign.

Until Ryan had talked to Sarah, no one needed to know what had happened between them, and until then, they would just have to go back to being what they'd always been: just friends. But as Seth rang the doorbell to the Cohen house, Taylor felt less reassured. The past hours, she'd only thought of Ryan and last night, and she was getting nervous about seeing him again. Maybe the whole let's-just-be-friends thing wasn't such a good idea after all. Once they saw each other, were they just supposed to pretend last night never happened? How were they going to do that when it was all she could think about was his warm body against hers, and their passionate kisses…

Her thoughts were interrupted as Kirsten opened the door. "_Hi!" _she said, welcoming all of them with a warm smile. She turned to hug all three of "her" kids, as she saw them. Summer or Taylor might not have been her biological family, but she'd always viewed Summer as an extra daughter, and now she was to be part of the family for real with less than six months away to the wedding. And Taylor…Kirsten had been like a mother to her when her own had failed to be there for her after Taylor's wedding, and they'd shared a special bond ever since, and Kirsten had been secretly hoping for years that Taylor would, like Summer, marry into the Cohen-clan.

As Seth embraced his mom, he asked her: "_Is Ryan here yet?"_

"_No, he just called and said he was running a little late because he had a last-minute gift to buy."_

Without even wondering about the last-minute gift, Taylor drew a sigh of relief at Kirsten's words figuring it would buy her some time before Ryan got there, and maybe she could go home early tonight, excusing herself with a headache. It wasn't that she didn't want to spend time with the Cohen's, because she so did and loved them all like they were her own family, it was just that she didn't trust herself around Ryan. He seemed to have an irresistible power over her. It was as if they were drawn to each other like magnates, and no matter how hard they tried, they weren't able to stay away from each other. But tonight, she wasn't going to think about it. Since her own mother was in Cabo for the holidays, she was just going to focus on having a nice evening with the Cohen family, who were, hopefully, supposed to become her family too now that she and Ryan were so close to becoming an actual couple.

But before Taylor had even gotten to say hi to everyone in her future clan, she was attacked by Sophie who threw herself into Taylor's arms for a hug. Since getting back from France, Taylor had only been a few times to The Cohen house and therefore hadn't seen the little girl so much. However, at Thanksgiving, the little girl had fallen completely in love with Taylor when Taylor had played dress up with her, and shw was now constantly asking her parents when she was coming over.

After a while when Sophie finally let go of her, Taylor took a look at the blond little girl. "_Oh, my gosh, Sophie! You just seem to be getting bigger and bigger every time I see you!" _That was certainly true. The newest little Cohen looked a lot like her mother: with the slightly curly blond hair and big bright blue eyes, she was rather tall for her age and seemed to be growing all the time.

"_Taylor, _please, _come play with me!" _Sophie begged, stretching the 'please'. Being very mischievous and the youngest sibling in the Cohen clan , Sophie had everyone wrapped around her little finger and knew exactly how to get her way. Taylor looked pleadingly at Kirsten for some hope to resist the little girls puppy eyes, but Kirsten just smiled as she knew it was never easy to resist little Sophie. So with no help from the others, Taylor gave in and said: "_Of course I 'll play with you."_

Sophie squealed with joy at her words and after a super quick hello to her brother and Summer, she jumped up the stairs with excitement, and Taylor followed her.

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Half an hour later, Julie arrived with Frank and their son Jared. Kaitlin was spending Christmas skiing in Italy with her friends, and Bullitt, although part of the now very extended Cohen family and an extra dad to Jared, had decided to spend the holidays with some of his sons and grandkids, and was therefore in Texas at the moment.

Upstairs, Taylor was still playing dress up with Sophie and was watching her posing in one of her princess gowns when a dark haired, skinny little boy that Taylor recognized as Jared entered the room, and following him was Ryan. Taylor was indeed very surprised, and she had no idea how long Ryan had been here since she hadn't heard him come, unlike she had with Julie and Frank. Seeing him again only made her even more painfully aware of how good he looked and how much she loved him. Now that they both knew how they felt for one another, it was that much harder to stay away from each other, and seeing the way he looked at her, she knew he felt the same way. But now they had to be strong, because it wouldn't be long until they were officially together.

Sophie immediately forgot to act her princess manners as she saw Jared, her best friend in the whole world, and a smile spread across her face. The little Cohen and the little Cooper/Atwood ran to hug each other and they quickly agreed that they should play hide and seek, and before they'd had any time to object, they'd decided that Ryan and Taylor should be the ones looking for them. And after agreeing to only hide on the top floor, the kids ran away to look for a good hiding places as Ryan started counting backwards from twenty aloud.

"_How come it's always you and me who end up playing their games and never Seth and Summer?" _Taylor wondered in amazement when Ryan had stopped counting and they went in to Sandy's office to look for the kids. Taylor had planned to help out with the turkey and catch up a little with the adults, and instead she'd ended up looking for the little munchkins here while Seth and Summer was downstairs helping to prepare dinner.

"_I don't know, but it always seem to be us that they're using", _Ryan agreed, bending over to look under Sandy's desk to see if one of them was hiding under there.

After searching through the entire office, the two went into Kirsten's and Sandy's bedroom. During Thanksgiving, she'd only been in Sophie's room and downstairs and therefore hadn't been in this room since the Cohen's had moved in. However, she did recognize it and realized that she'd been in there once before. The decor and everything else was completely different than the last time she'd been there, but it was unmistakably the same room.

"_Oh my gosh…Is this where we almost...?" S_he didn't even dare to finish the sentence, and Ryan just nodded in reply.

Just being in here made all the memories come back to her, and she remembered that it had been right in here that she and Ryan had rein kindled their romance as they suddenly just started to make out the hours before Julie's wedding, until Todd had walked in on them. The room held so many memories, and so much passion still lingered in the walls from that time, and being here again, Taylor could feel the same wave of passion wash over her. The room held a forbidden, mysterious atmosphere and she desperately wanted to give into it and seeing Ryan, she knew he felt it too. And she suddenly forgot all about the kids and that they were actually looking for them. She had to use all her thoughts to not think about giving into it all.

But as always when they were together, they lost all control, and neither of them really knew who had started kissing the other, but all of a sudden, they were throwing each other's clothes off with absolutely no consequences on their minds. And as they finally gave in to temptation, they realized how desperately addicted to each other they had become, how much they were part of each other and how much they loved each other.

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

It had been very quick but very passionate, and only seconds afterwards, they both came to their senses and were overcome with the surreal realization of what they had just done. In Sandy's and Kirsten's bedroom!

"_Oh my god! The kids!" _Taylor realized, suddenly panicking. She started throwing her clothes back on. What the hell had they been thinking? Anyone could've walked in on them, anyone could've heard them, and the kids that they had been responsible of…who knew what they were doing or what had happened to them.

In less than thirty seconds, they were almost back into their clothes and rushed out of the bedroom to see if Sophie and Jared were okay. They ran into Sophie's room, and to their relief they found both her and Jared playing nicely on the floor with Summer supervising them. "_Thank god!" _Taylor drew a sigh of relief and could hear Ryan doing the same just behind her.

However, Summer looked less than pleased, and catching a glimpse of herself and Ryan in in the mirror in Sophie's room, she realized that with her tangled up hair and her sweaty make up, and Ryan's unbuttoned shirt, it was pretty obvious what they had just been doing, and Summer adapted a very stern tone as she said:

"_Kids, do you mind playing her alone for just a few seconds? I need to talk to Ryan and Taylor about something."_

"_Ouuuhh, are you going to yell at them for not coming to look for us?" _Sophie wondered.

"_Or is it secret Santa-stuff?" _Jared inquired.

"_Maybe a little bit of both", _Summer said smiling at them as she led Taylor and Ryan out of the room, but her face soon turned cold as she closed the door behind them and faced the love struck couple. And in a hushed, but very angry tone she said: "_What the hell were you thinking?"_

Taylor and Ryan just stared guiltily at their feet and neither of them spoke.

"_Okay, if neither of you are going to say anything, I'll just continue."_ In the same hushed, angry tone she spoke for a long time, giving them crap for their irresponsibility, not watching the kids, telling them about how she'd come up after Sophie and Jared had complained that they'd never found them, and mostly lecturing them about how wrong cheating is. "_Ryan, you have a girlfriend that loves you very much, and regardless what you feel about her, you owe it to her to be faithful to her as long as you're together. And sleeping with your ex-girlfriend definitely qualifies as cheating."_

Her words hit home. Ryan had never felt more guilty or more ashamed. Summer was right of course that he had indeed had been cheating on Sarah, but his feelings for Taylor were so overwhelming that they overshadowed everything else, and it had been hard to feel remorse for something he had wanted for so long. In a way, he had lied to Sarah every time he'd told her that there was nothing going on between him and Taylor, and he'd made Sarah believe that he was in love with her, and had pretended even for himself that he could one day love her, when in fact Taylor was the only one for him and had been for six years. But Sarah didn't deserve this. It was wrong, and finally it seemed to hit him how much what he'd done would hurt Sarah. If Taylor had done that to him when they had been together…He couldn't even imagine how he would've reacted. He'd been crazy with jealousy with Henri-Michel and that was nothing compared to what he had done to Sarah.

"_And Taylor…You really should know better, after everything we've been through together, than believing that I didn't know where you were last night, that I had no idea what was going on. I'm your best friend, and I'm not that stupid."_

Taylor allowed Summer's words to sink in, and certainly agreed with everything she said, but still didn't quite dare to look up because of the shame that Summer had known all along that Taylor had spent the night at Ryan's. She had in no way ever thought of Summer as being stupid, she had just hoped that somehow she could hide it for her, but of course, Summer was very perceptive.

"_Look", _Summer continued after a long time of silence, "_I won't tell anyone about this, not even Seth, because the fewer that know, the better. But you better tell Sarah when she gets back, or I can't promise that I won't."_

Ryan nodded understandingly_. "You won't have to. I was already planning to. I'm going to break up with Sarah as soon as she gets back from New Yoek so that we can be together."_

"_Good."_ Summer nodded, and finally she smiled at them. Downstairs, Kirsten had just called out that the food was ready. "_Now let's not let this ruin Chrismukkah, let's eat. I'm starving."_ She started walking down the stairs, but stopped at the first step. "_Oh, and Taylor, you might want to run a brush through your hair before you eat."_

Taylor took her word for it, and grabbed a comb out of the bathroom and quickly ran it through her hair and blasted some cold water in her face, while Ryan was buttoning his shirt, before the two walked downstairs with the kids.

At dinner, Taylor was unusually quiet, something Julie noted, and it made Taylor feel forced to carry polite conversations, trying hard to stay in the moment. Because in her mind, she was still upstairs getting lectured by Summer, and therefore barely dared to look at Ryan. And Summer was keeping an eye on her. She had sat down right next to Taylor, and if she caught Taylor staring at him for too long, she would give her a hard kick under the table, and then go back to eating her food and talking to everyone like nothing ever happened.

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

By the end of the night, Taylor felt that she really had had a great time. She loved the Cohen's and Julie and Frank and everyone, and she knew now that they saw her as part of their family. This was why she had come to Berkeley, she realized, this was what she'd hoped for. A place where she felt at home, and people that made her feel welcome. Though not related to her, they'd all gotten her great gifts that she really liked, and seeing everyone open the gifts she'd bought them, and seeing how happy they got, she knew that that was what had been missing in her life in Paris. No matter how great things had been culturally, and to a certain extent socially, she had never felt fully at home there because she'd never made friends there like these. And as she said good-bye to everyone, she hoped that she would see all of them very soon, hopefully for New Years Eve.

Taylor was just getting ready to get in the car when Ryan stole her away for a few seconds to talk to her away from eveyone. "_So, Sarah will be home in just two days and then I will tell her."_

Taylor nodded. "_Good, because I always swore to myself that I would never be the other woman."_

"_Taylor…I love you." _Ryan said. "_You're not just some fling, I _want _to be with you, so I'm gonna go home and tell Sarah as soon as she gets home, right after I've picked her up from the airport, and then you and I can spend the rest of our lives together. How's that?"_

"_It's good." _She smiled and made a move to get back in the car again, but he stopped her once again.

"_I almost forgot." _He pulled out a neat little package from under his jacket. "_Here's your gift. I didn't want to give it to you in front of everyone else, it would feel very inappropriate." _

"_I only got you some CDs !" _Taylor complained. She had only gotten him the gift in the spirit of them being friends and here he got her something special and non-friendly.

"_It's okay. You can open it later. Don't call and thank me or anything. We probably shouldn't see or hear from each other until I've told Sarah, but I'll call you as soon as I have. In just two days."_ He only hugged her good-bye because Summer were watching them like the soy she was, and then Ryan went back to the house.

As Taylor finally got in the car she felt excited. She couldn't wait for their lives together to start, and two short days without seeing him, until they could be together, suddenly felt way too long. She quickly unwrapped the gift, and found that it was a tiny velvet box with a note attached to it. It read: "_Soon. It's a promise." _

With trembling fingers, she opened the box and inside it she found a thin gold ring with a sparkling diamond…

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Two days later, Ryan still hadn't talked to Taylor, but it was still her he thought about when he was picking Sarah up from the airport. It was obvious that Sarah was happy to see him and the whole car ride home, she talked about her family and how much fun they'd had, how much she had missed her dad, and how much she loved New York. Ryan didn't say anything. Occasionally, he would nod to show interest, but his mind was already at the very difficult task he was facing in just a few short minutes.

Ryan carried her stuff into her apartment, and almost instantly as soon as they were inside, Ryan sat down on the couch and said: "_Sarah, there's something I have to tell you…"_ He felt his throat choking up just at the words, but he knew it was better to get it out of the way immediately.

"_Sure, what is it?" _she asked in a gentle voice after getting worried by his serious tone, joining him in the sofa.

"I…" Ryan started, but was cut short by the phone ringing. Sarah rolled her eyes in annoyance and Ryan sighed. This was just what he needed right now.

"_Should I get it or can't this wait?" _she asked as it rang another signal.

"_No, take it now", _Ryan said at the third signal. It was just so typical that something always got in the way. He wanted to get it over with.

Sarah went up and took the phone. "_I won't be long", _she promised before answering and closing the door to her bedroom behind her.

Ryan waited patiently sitting in his own thoughts, going back and forth how he would best be able to say what needed to be said. And as good as it was that the phone call bought him some extra time, he glanced at the clock by the TV and noticed that she'd already been gone for nearly fifteen minutes when he thought he heard silent sobs from her room. Getting worried, he left the sofa and opened the door to her room and saw her sitting at the end of her bed, the phone still in her hand and with an expression of shock on her face, and lines of running mascara across her face.

"_Sarah, what is it?"_ he asked concerned.

"_It's just so weird, you know? I just spent these days with him, and he seemed fine. He laughed, he smiled, he talked…and now he'll never be able to do that again", Sarah said without even looking at him. She just continued to stare at the same spot of the carpet._

"_What? What's happened? Who was it?" _He took a seat next to her on the bed.

"_It was my mom…she called to tell me…it's my dad…he just had a heart attack…" _She was still in shock and hadn't really let it sink in, but she could feel the words realize as she turned to face him and spoke just three little words that would change everything he had thought would come: "_He's dead, Ry."_

She collapsed on his shoulder as speaking the words finally made her realize the meaning of them, and she began sobbing uncontrollably. Ryan had no idea what to say to her, but he knew that telling her about Taylor was certainly not what she needed right now. Instead, he just held her in his arms, trying to comfort her, as he stared aimlessly out of the window.


	10. Listening

**Chapter 10: Listening**

It had been early morning when Ryan had decided to go out for a jog to clear his head. After running for over an hour without getting any insight to his situation, he had gotten tired and had sat down to rest at a bench, and there he had been sitting ever since. He had no idea how long it had been, but the sun had barely been up when he he'd started running, and now it was shining with full capacity. It was a cloud-free morning, and unusually warm for a winter day in Berkeley, nearing 60 degrees, but he wasn't in the right mind to appreciate it.

It was two days after he'd picked Sarah up from the airport, and he'd never felt more alone. He hadn't yet told anyone about what had happened and he hadn't spoke to anyone he knew. Not the Cohens, not Summer, none of his friends, not even Seth, and he was desperately trying to avoid speaking to Taylor. He had no idea how he was going to tell her, because he knew it would break her heart. He had bought her a ring for gods sake, and had left her a promise note, and now he was supposed to tell her that they weren't going to be together?

Fate was just too cruel. He had finally been happy and for once in his life, he had felt that everything was going to be okay, and now this had happened. He had no idea what was going to be his next move. Again, he'd done the noble thing, the right thing, and he had no idea why. He had stayed with Sarah, because he felt she needed him now more than ever, even more than he needed Taylor. But for once, he wished he would've done the selfish thing and told Sarah the truth, so he could have his own happiness. Or if only Sarah had gotten the phone call one minute later, then he would've been with Taylor right now, like they'd planned.

Instead, he was stuck in the same miserable limbo that he always seemed to end up in, and every time, it killed him more and more. Seth had always told him, when he'd been with Marissa, that he had some sort of hero-complex, and that he needed to save her, but with Marissa, Ryan knew it hadn't been true. Because no matter what had happened between them when they hadn't been together, Ryan had never stopped loving her, and had therefore wanted to be there for her whatever happened.

But with Sarah… Though he knew that he was the lucky one, that none of his parents had died, and that Sarah certainly hadn't wanted it to happen, he still felt some sort of resentment towards her for unintentionally ruining what he'd planned with Taylor, and besides the theory of the hero-complex, nothing else made sense to why he had chosen to stay. He loved Taylor, he wanted to be with Taylor, and that was it.

Just thinking about her, he missed her, and he knew that he had to call her and tell her today. He had promised that he would call her within two days, as soon as he'd picked up Sarah from the airport, and as soon as he'd broken up with her. Now it was four days ago since he'd made that promise, and he still hadn't spoken to her, and knew that she was worried out of her mind. She had left him over a dozen of messages on his answering machine, had sent him six e-mails and called his cell-pone a numerous of times, but he hadn't responded to any of it. Because if he did, he would have to tell her the truth, and he wasn't ready to tell her just yet. The second he uttered the words, they would be final. It would be the end of things with Taylor, and that was the last thing he wanted.

He remained still at the bench, so wrapped up in pitying himself that he barely noticed the people that had started passing by in their regular morning rush to work. But suddenly, a familiar face came into view as a young woman rushed towards him. It was Taylor.

"_Ryan! Thank god you're okay!" _she sighed with apparent relief in her voice as she took a seat down next to him on the bench. She had just been on her regular morning walk and was surprised, but very thankful to see him here. "_I was so worried when you didn't call me. I've called your cell phone like 300 times and I've left like…-"_

"_I know, I got the messages", _Ryan said quietly, not daring to face her as he didn't want to tell her what he knew would have to come up very soon.

But Taylor was barely listening, and she continued speaking in a supernaturally fast pace. "…_And when you didn't call back, I called the Cohens, but they didn't think I had anything to worry about, so then I called all the local hospitals…but no one could remember seeing you..." _

It made no sense to her at all that he wouldn't say anything. Sure, Ryan was a quiet person, but not like this. He should be happy that they could finally be together. Something was wrong, but since Ryan obviously wasn't going to tell her, as he sustained to show no response, just staring at his own feet and nodding slightly, Taylor continued to ramble on.

"…_And at the morgue, they couldn't give me much, due to some stupid rule they have, but I bribed one of the employees into in to telling me if anyone matching your description had shown up…" _

Suddenly it hit her why Ryan wouldn't face her. It struck her like a lightning from a blue sky. Not even finishing the sentence, she said in a shocked and angry voice: "…_And oh my god you totally didn't tell her!!! That's why you've been avoiding me…you -you bastard!" _She felt her anger get the better out of her, and before she could control herself, and before he'd even gotten the chance to explain, she'd hit him on the arm. "_I told you I wouldn't be the other woman!"_

Ryan didn't blame her. If he'd been her, he would've hit himself too. Therefore, instead of getting upset, he finally faced her and said in a calm, serene voice. "_Hey, Taylor calm down." _

"_Oh, so you did tell her?"_ she asked in a surprised, but very relieved voice, her facial expression growing softer.

"_No", _Ryan answered, and Taylor raised her hand again, but he grabbed it skillfully in mid-air. "_Wait, before you hit me again please let me explain, and if you still want to punch me afterwards, I'll be the first to sign up as boxing bag."_

Taylor seemed to calm down by his words as she relaxed her body a bit and lowered her hand. "_Okay, tell me, but this better be one heck of an explanation."_

Okay, which way was the best to tell her this? It wasn't easy at all. He took deep breath to collect his thoughts, and then he decided to just go for it. "_When I'd picked her up at the airport…" _he started, and then the whole story just came out of him. How he'd tried to tell Sarah, but had gotten interrupted by the phone call, and then how she'd told him that her father had just died, and that she was now in New York for the funeral. "_You get it, don't you? Her dad had just died, and I couldn't just throw it in her face."'_

Taylor was in shock. She knew of course, by the sincerity in Ryan's voice that it wasn't all just some stupid joke, but she wished it was, because she knew what Ryan's words meant for their relationship. "_Of course I get it. But, oh my god, Sarah…How's she taking this?" _Never before had she been so jealous and so sympathetic towards person at the same time. Obviously, she thought it was awful what had happened to Sarah's dad and in no way did she wish to be in her shoes, but at the same time…she still had Ryan, and a part of Taylor hated her for it.

"_I don't know. She's in New York right now for the funeral, and they were really close…I offered to go with her, but she wouldn't hear of it. She's trying to be strong, for her mom's sake I guess."_

Taylor nodded understandingly, and after a while of silence just said: "_When are you going to tell her?" _

Ryan didn't know what to say. He wanted to tell her right now so he and Taylor could be together, but he couldn't do that. It all depended on how quickly Sarah would be able to recover after her father's death, he could only hope that it would be soon. It may have sounded awful, but that was the way he felt.

When Ryan couldn't give her a straight answer, Taylor continued. "_You know, as tragic as this is, and as much as I understand why you didn't tell her…How do you think she's going to feel if you tell her in three months and she finds out that you've been lying to her all this time? Mustn't that feel like an even worse betrayal?"_

Again, Ryan found himself speechless. Of course, she was right, but at the same time it certainly didn't feel right to spring his cheating on her only days after her dad's tragic death, when she was at this weak state of mind. He knew that he wouldn't be able to do that to her. Sarah was by nature a very strong person, but in a situation like this, she needed someone to rely on, and she had no one else to rely on but him. She couldn't get support from her mom, because she was a more fragile person than Sarah, and Sarah was her own support. She didn't have any brothers or sisters or any other close relatives, and most of her friends were rather shallow, and couldn't really relate to her or understand what she was going through at the moment. Or at least that was the way Sarah felt. Ryan knew this, because last night she had told him all about it, and how thankful she was to have him there. Of course, it onlymade Ryan feel even more guilty.

Somehow, it had made him remember how happy he'd been when he'd first met Sarah. She was fun, outgoing, intelligent and seemingly completely problem-free. He'd instantly liked that about her, and he'd immediately prayed secretly to himself that she was the one, and that he would fall in love with her and that they would live happily ever after.

But that hadn't happened, and he knew now that he never would fall in love with her. Instead, he had met Taylor again and realized that she was his soul mate, and had therefore had no doubts when he had walked into the jeweler store and bought that ring. He wanted nothing more but to spend his life with her, and he had pictured their happy future together. He'd imagined them getting married some time after graduation, having kids together and maybe a dog, eating ice cream on their porch of the house they would've bought…

Looking back, he couldn't believe how naïve he had been to believe that those dreams would actually come true, but when he'd bought the ring, he'd been certain that it was the way it was supposed to happen. That had been only four days ago, but it seemed like a lifetime ago now. Without even realizing it, he looked down on her hands and noticed that she was wearing the ring right now. "I guess that means her answer would have been yes", he thought bitterly to himself. But what difference did any of that make now?

"_So where does this leave us?"_ she asked him silently. She was trapped in her own mind, cursing life and everything in it. It was amazing how quickly things could change. Just two days ago, she had been excited. She had been in a good place in life, with her family and her friends, her hobbies and school, but most importantly of all, she'd been in a good place with Ryan. It had been the day that Ryan was supposed to tell Sarah. It had been the day that she would tell him her answer to his proposal was yes, that they would be officially engaged and live happily ever after. And now, in just a matter of seconds, all her hopes and dreams had shattered at the sound of Ryan's words, and she felt a sort of emptiness inside. The excitement she'd felt two days ago was now gone, and everything else that had made her happy seemed pointless now that she didn't have him, and she wondered if the excitement would ever return.

What was she and Ryan now? Would they go back to being just friends again? It was getting ridiculous, because it never seemed to work out for them as they could hardly stay away from each other. Where _did_ this leave them?

"_I don't know." _It was all that Ryan could say. He had been wondering the same thing for two days, and had yet to stumble across an answer.

Taylor just nodded silently, wiping away a falling tear from her cheek. Ryan couldn't remember ever seeing her cry, and it was killing him watching her doing it, knowing that he was the reason for it. He just wanted to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but he knew that with the situation, there was no way that he could do that. Still, it didn't make it hurt any less.

They were both quiet for a while, just staring at the blue sky and wondering silently why life had to be so cruel, but Taylor was the one who finally broke the silence. And when she spoke, it was with a broken voice that that clearly held signs of grief in it, a voice that Ryan had never heard before, and that he wished to never hear again.

"_But this…This leaves us in some damn limbo. I can't do this…I can't stand around, waiting for you to find the right time to tell her. There'll never be a right time, Ry."_

"_You think this is easy for me? I want nothing more than to be with you, but I have to play perfect boyfriend to her for as long as it's necessary. That's me, always doing the noble thing, even when I don't want to."_ He had been through this before, with Theresa and the baby to just state one example, and every time, he'd always hoped that he would never have to do something similar again. Yet here he was, for what felt like the hundredth time, doing "the right thing" once again.

"_So what do you want from me? What do you want me to do?"_ Taylor wondered sincerely. If there was anything she could help with, that would make things easier for Ryan, she was willing to do it, because after all, she still loved him more than anything.

"_Look, I will tell her as soon as possible, but right now…All I need is someone to talk to."_

Taylor nodded understandingly, and heaving another sigh and forcing a little smile, she said:

"_Okay. I may be a big talker, but I'm also a great listener."_

And as they sat there on the bench together, staring at the picture perfect sky, and with absolutely no plans at all for the rest of the day, talking was the only thing they could do.


	11. The Dirty Little Secret

**Chapter 11: The Dirty Little Secret**

Taylor sighed as she woke up. Still lying hidden under the covers though it was rather late a Saturday morning, she was exhausted after last night and hadn't been quite ready to wake up just yet. This was very unlike her, but the past months she hadn't quite been herself. "_Ugh, this is wrong"_, she grunted, as she opened her eyes and saw the person lying next to her.

"_What is?"_ Ryan wondered sleepily, having just been woken up by Taylor's words.

"_This is. Us." _Taylor gesticulated at the two of them lying naked together under the covers of her bed. Just the sight bothered her. It always felt amazing in the moment when they were together, but the morning after, she was struck with immense guilt every time.

"_If it's so wrong, then why does it feel so right?"_ Ryan questioned philosophically. Taylor didn't answer that. He was correct, of course. Them being together did feel right, there was no point in denying that, but they both knew that what they were doing, and had been doing for the past three months, was anything but right.

This was never what she had wanted, she wasn't someone who liked to lie to people, she wasn't the cheating kind of person, and she absolutely hated how she couldn't seem to get out of the situation either. She was a control freak by nature and kept every detail of her life very organized and under control, yet somehow, for reasons she could not explain, all it seemed to take for her to lose all her sensibility was to simply see Ryan. He just seemed to possess a very frightening power over her.

Three months ago, she had been furious at him for not telling Sarah about them and she'd even hit him, but all it took was a few sweet words, and she was back to being his friend, and soon to be more again. She was disappointed in herself. She should've known better. Ever since she'd moved back, she'd tried to be 'friends' with him, but somehow always ended up back in his arms, and this time had been no different. She couldn't even remember now, exactly what they had been talking about or doing when they had finally hooked up again, but it hadn't even been a week after Sarah's return from New York after the funeral.

"_We can't keep doing this!" _Taylor exclaimed, getting frustrated. "_One day, someone will figure out what we're doing, or someone will catch us." _It was a miracle that no one had caught them or figured it out, but the longer the time had gone by, the better they had gotten at the sneaking-around part. It sometimes scared her to think about just _how _good they had gotten at it. As far as she knew, no one had a clue of what was going on between them, even though they weren't always so cautious. It was often quite impulsive, since Ryan had the key to her apartment and she to his.

Thinking about it, Taylor supposed it had escalated after she'd gotten her own apartment about two months ago, and as everyone were so busy with their own lives, no one seemed to even have given it a thought. Sarah seemed to remain clueless to what was going on, still not being back to her old self after her father's death. They didn't see the Cohens or the Cooper/Atwoods nearly enough to have them suspicious, and Seth's job (he'd just gotten promoted to editor in chief), was keeping him more than occupied. And Summer, who was usually very perceptive, had started planning the wedding, and with Taylor not even living at their place anymore, she had no time to waste a thought on her. She hadn't quite been the old Summer as she was super busy with work, and keeping super occupied to make sure every little detail for the wedding was perfect. She'd turned into quite the bridezilla, even though she'd refuse to admit it. The wedding planner barely allowed her to get any sleep, and was constantly nagging her and Seth about setting a date and picking out a church. The thought of Summer made Taylor remembered that she was meeting her today to help plan the wedding.

"_I have to go. I'm meeting Sum in…67 minutes"_, she said, looking at the alarm clock next to the table. She was meeting her at soon-to-be-mrs. Seth Cohen's apartment at eleven o'clock.

"_Please don't. Can't we just lie here for a few more seconds?"_ Ryan pleaded, still too tired to actually get up.

"_No. I have to get ready",_ Taylor said firmly, pulling a T-shirt over her head. She almost jumped off the bed immediately, but found herself pausing and faced Ryan instead. "_It's been three months, if you want us to be together, you have to tell her. I can't do this forever."_

"_I will…I just…she's not ready yet." _Ryan said, suddenly a lot more awake. "_She's still not back to her old self yet."_ Sarah had taken her dad's death even worse than he'd expected. She had cut most of her sorority-friends out of her life, and mostly hung out with Ryan or by herself, and she was way more quiet than she had been when he'd first met her. But in another way, she was also trying to pretend that everything was okay by fake smiling more often and telling Ryan how much his support meant to her and how much she loved him, all of which was very unlike her, and all of which only made Ryan feel more guilty.

"_I know, and you've waited for it for a long time now. But you have to face it, maybe she never will be her old self."_

"_I just don't want to put more on her plate than she can handle right now." _It wasn't that he didn't want to tell Sarah, it was just that he was terrified of how she would react. He didn't want to hurt her more than she already was hurt after her dad's heartattack and everything. She really didn't deserve it. "_The last thing I want is to hurt her."_

"_And you don't think this is?" _Taylor asked. Ryan didn't dare to answer, so she just sighed. She was _so _tired of fighting with him about this over and over again. They kept coming back to this every time they saw each other, but nothing ever appeared to happen. It seemed to her that besides sleeping together, fighting was all they did, and she was getting annoyed by it. This was so not how she wanted to start her day. Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, Taylor continued in a cool voice: "_You still have to tell her."_

Ryan nodded, knowing he should've done it a long time ago. "_Soon, I promise."_

The words reminded her painfully much of the words she had gotten on the note for Christmas with the diamond ring: "Soon. It's a promise." But soon had turned into a much longer time than either of them ever would've been able to expect, and here they were, three months later and still in the same place: still cheating on Sarah and still dreaming about a future together.

Taylor still had the ring. She kept it in the velvet box, stashed in her clothes drawer, and every time she saw it, or tried it on occasionally, it was a constant reminder of the pain she suffered trying desperately clinging to that dream. She wanted to be with Ryan more than anything, but cheating for it? She was constantly questioning herself if it was all worth it to _maybe _be with Ryan one day, even if he was the love of her life. She hadn't told anyone about any of it, just like she hadn't told anyone about their relationship. As far as Summer knew, Ryan had broken things off with Taylor to be with Sarah, and though Summer was still in secret mad at Ryan for it, she had no idea what was going on between them at the moment. It was just their own dirty little secret.

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"_And I was thinking maybe some white and pink flowers…maybe roses or orchids…or tulips! Tulips are the new thing. I read it in Modern Bride."_ Summer had been going on and on about the flower decorations forever. Before this, Taylor had never know just how important the flowers were in a wedding. _"You know, according to Anne, our wedding planner, the flowers can affect the outcome of the whole marriage."_

"_Wow…that's really…fascinating", _Taylor said, unable to hide the sarcasm as she nodded slowly, staring at Summer with wide eyes. She couldn't figure out how hippie-Summer, that was working as part of Al Gore's team and wanted nothing more than to save the planet, all of a sudden had turned into a materialistic bridezilla. "_You know, I get that the flowers and the guest list and everything's very important…But don't you think this is all a little much?" _She nodded in direction of the thirty-two bridal magazines Summer had stacked up on the table along with the guest list that included over 400 names.

"_No. Anne clearly said…-"_ Summer insisted firmly, but Taylor cut her off.

"_Summer, do you want a wedding that beats Donald Trump's in size? Is that it?" _she wondered in a frustrated tone. She was sick about hearing what Anne thought. Taylor just felt lucky that she had never met the crazy old lady.

Summer was at a loss for words at first, then started stuttering: "_No, I- I…"_

"_You guys haven't even picked out a spot or set a date yet, and you're already worrying about the flowers?"_ Taylor raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Where had her friend Summer gone? She was usually the type of person who would mock brides-to-be for their obsession and here she was all Newpsie-wed herself? Taylor just shook her head. This was worse than she had initially thought. Was she going to need to do a Bridezilla intervention to save Summer from Anne's complete brainwash?

"_We've been looking, but we just haven't found the right spot yet, that's all. And the other stuff is really important, too…"_ Summer's voice trailed off.

"_This isn't like you, Summer. What happened to the simple Save-the-rainforest girl that when she'd first gotten engaged told me that she needed nothing else for her wedding but her husband-to-be and a killer dress?"_

Summer smiled a little at the memory. She sighed slightly before replying. "_Maybe I have gotten a little too...involved in it",_ she said, choosing her words carefully, and Taylor snorted at this, knowing that Summer had been a bit more than a little 'involved' in planning the wedding. _"It's just…this is my wedding. This is the day I've been waiting for my entire life, and it's with the right guy, and…I just want it to be perfect."_ She sighed again, and then decided to tell her something that was really bothering her, even though she was afraid that Taylor might take it the wrong way. "_I guess it's just…You know, when you're like 7 and plan your wedding, you imagine the dress and everything into detail, but somehow you forget how important the people in it are, because you take them for granted…"_

"_And now neither your mom or Marissa is going to be there", _Taylor concluded, and Summer just nodded, amazed that Taylor had understood. "_I get it. I realize how much you miss them, especially at a time like this." _Taylor really did understand. When she had gotten married to Henri-Michel, she had been surrounded by his entire family who had been thrilled for their sake, yet she had never felt more miserable or alone. All she had wanted was for anyone she knew to have been there, and now Summer was getting married without two of the people that had meant the most to her. No matter the reasons for their abscenes, it didn't make her miss them any less. No wonder Summer had tried so hard to overcompensate with everything else. Anyone should've figured that out.

Summer smiled to herself. She should've known that she could always count on Taylor for support. "_Thanks, Tay, for understanding." _She should've come to her sooner. She hadn't even spent a day alone with Taylor in _weeks_, maybe even months, without talking about the wedding, and she found herself missing their regular girl-talk. "_Maybe I have gotten a little _too _wrapped up in the whole wedding business. "_

"_You think?" _Taylor said raising an eyebrow, and both of the girls laughed.

And after discussing the wedding a while longer, Summer decided that she wanted a much more informal wedding after all, and Taylor suggested a more private ceremony in the Cohens' backyard, and Summer agreed that that would be just perfect, if they could only get the Cohens to agree, but they were almost certain that they wouldn't mind. But after talking so long about herself again, Summer figured it might be time to catch up with friend's life as well.

"_So I'm really sorry that I have been quite distracted lately…But what have you been doing these past weeks? Have you dated anyone new after Ryan dumped you?"_ she asked in a casual tone, but when Taylor just stared down in the ground with teary eyes and didn't answer, Summer's face gained a worried expression. "_Taylor, honey, is something wrong?"_

Taylor still wouldn't answer. She was trying to decided whether or not she should Summer the truth. Part of her wanted to get it all out, to tell her about the ring, the affair, and all the shattered promises, so she could finally tell someone how used and guilty she actually felt a lot of the time, and Taylor was positive that she could trust Summer. But the other part of her knew that telling someone about something like this before the cheated-on part knew, was in itself, a wrongful act. She knew that she wouldn't want to be the last to know if she was Sarah. But Summer was her best friend.

"_You know you can tell me anything", _Summer continued in a soft voice, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Taylor felt a wave of guilt and sadness wash over her. Not only did she already feel guilt about going behind Sarah's back, but now she felt guilty because Summer was her best friend, and it wasn't fair to keep this from her, knowing that Summer told her everything. Still, she wasn't sure what Summer would say when she found out that they had been sneaking around behind everyone's back all this time. Taylor knew that Summer's viewpoint of infidelity was very strict, and therefore Taylor barely dared facing her when she at last said in a low, mourning voice:

"_Summer…there's something I have to tell you…"_

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As Ryan got back to his own apartment around noon, he found Sarah already waiting for him in the sofa.

"_Hey", _she said, smiling as she walked over to the door to greet him with a kiss. "_Where have you been all morning? I have waited here for hours."_ There was no trace of accusation in her voice, just casual curiosity.

"_Yeah, I woke up early so I decided to take a walk", _Ryan said, lying through his teeth and desperately hoping that his shirt didn't smell of Taylor's perfume. But Sarah just nodded, completely buying his words. He found facing Sarah just as difficult every time he saw her. She seemed good today. She was happy, and smiling. He considered that maybe today was a good day to tell her. A good day to break her heart? Was there ever a good day for that? He felt nauseous just thinking about it. Still, he couldn't put it off forever. He knew he wanted to be with Taylor, and the relationship they had now wasn't fair to anyone. He decided to just go for it. "_Sarah, I…"_

"_No, wait." _Sarah interrupted. "_Before you say anything, I want to tell you something. I know you've probably forgot and everything, and it's okay, I knew you would, so therefore I'm obliging you not to feel guilty even though you haven't arranged something big or bought me a gift, or whatever." _She smiled all while talking, clearly excited, but based on the perplexed expression on Ryan's face, it was evident that he had no idea what she was talking about. This didn't seem to bother Sarah however who just continued to smile happily as she said: "_It's our one year anniversary, of course!"_

Ryan just nodded. Looking back, they probably had had their first date around this time last year, but had it really been a whole year that he'd been together with Sarah? It seemed like such a long time when he realized that he had been going out with this girl for 365 days without ever having had any serious romantic feelings for her. Today was the day of their anniversary, and he'd intended to dump her. No boyfriend-of-the-year awards were coming his way, that was for sure.

Still beaming, she kissed him again. "_Happy anniversary, sweetie!"_

Yep, today was definitely _not_ a good day to tell her. He was just starting to wonder if there ever would be one.


	12. The Heartbreak

**Chapter 12: The Heartbreak**

"_You still not feeling okay?" _Summer asked, noting that Taylor looked unusually pale, as they were walking to Berkeley together a few weeks later. Summer had taken the day off from work, simply because she'd been stressing herself out lately, and since she had all this spare-time today, she'd decided to walk Taylor to class.

"_No, I threw up this morning too._" Taylor said, shaking her head, but she wasn't too worried, even though she'd had for almost two weeks. "_I think it's just the flu. Practically my entire class have got it. It's scarily empty in there, and dead quiet."_

"_You sure you're not…?"_ Summer wondered, barely daring to finish the sentence.

"_Positive. I had my period last week, thank god."_ She had been delayed that week, and had been out of herself with concern. It wasn't that she didn't want kids one day, because she really did, being around Sophie and Jared so much had made her realize that. She could even picture herself becoming a really good mom maybe within a few years if the right guy came along, because with the situation, it didn't seem like she and Ryan would ever be together. They were still doing their ridiculous cheating/ we're just friends-thing, and as things were now, the situation was anything but ideal to bring a child to the world.

"_Good." _Summer sighed in relief. "_Because if you had been…" _When Taylor had told her about her and Ryan, she'd been anything but happy. Her initial response, when she'd heard about the ring he'd given her for Christmas, had been to kill him, but Taylor had been able to keep her from it and eventually calm her down. Taylor had even managed to convince Summer not to talk to Ryan about it, and though she certainly didn't approve of what they were doing, Summer really did love Ryan and Taylor as a couple, and felt they were obviously meant to be. It just made her frustrated that two people like that couldn't actually be together, and that they had to cheat and break the trust of someone else. Summer loved Ryan with all her heart, but she thought he was an idiot and a jackass for not telling Sarah, and if he didn't dare tell her as the situation was now, how would he be able to tell her if Taylor had indeed been pregnant? Summer therefore continued to nag Taylor by telling her over and over again to end things with Ryan before something like a pregnancy actually occurred, but so far, the results had yet to show since they were still hooking up occasionally.

"_I know, I know." _Taylor was well aware of her concerns as they had talked about every detail of the relationship a thousand times, and today, she really didn't feel like going over it all again. Luckily for her, they had now reached campus, and after saying a quick good-bye, Taylor rushed away.

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After class, Taylor felt pumped with energy, the way professor Andrews' class always made her feel. She really loved the way he taught and his classes never got boring. His classes and tutoring had actually made her consider pursuing a career as a languages teacher if she ever figured out that she didn't want to work with marketing. Now having a few nice options for possible careers, Taylor felt way less stressed out because she'd finally realized that she could do almost anything she'd put her mind to, and that she didn't have to figure out right now what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. If she changed her mind down the road, that would be okay too.

So wrapped up in her own thoughts, Taylor didn't even notice the guy from her class that was walking right beside her in the narrow doorway as she made her way out of class, and before she knew it, they'd collided and their books were lying everywhere.

"_Oh god, I'm so sorry"_, Taylor said as both she and the guy bent over to pick up the right books and collect all the papers that were now scattered all over the floor.

"_No, no, it's okay. It's my fault"_, the guy said, and picked up the last piece of paper and gave it to Taylor. They both got up from the floor and faced each other, and seeing him, Taylor recognized him and remembered seeing him far back in class, eagerly taking notes. But it wasn't until she got up close that she noticed how cute he was. He was rather athletic looking and about 6 feet tall and had dark brown hair and sparkling hazel eyes.

"_So, I'm Ben", _he began, smiling a little, and she noted that he had a gorgeous smile. "_I've seen you around campus a bit and I've been thinking…If you don't have any plans on Saturday, maybe we could go to the cinema…? See an Asian film, maybe eat some Thai food…what do you say?"_

"_Um, I…"_ Taylor was appalled and didn't know what to say. He had taken her completely by suprise, and she was confused towards this guy's question. Was he asking her out on a date? She had just met this Ben-guy and he was already asking her out?

"_Oh," _he saidhis smile fading and replacing it with a look of disappointment. "_You seeing someone?"_

How was she going answer that question? Was she seeing someone? She had no idea what actually counted as _seeing _someone. She couldn't exactly say: Yes, I'm in love with this guy who gave me an engagement ring for Christmas, but he's still with his girlfriend because her dad died, and now he and I are having a sexual relationship. Probably not what every guy wanted to hear when they asked a girl out. It was complicated even for her, so she couldn't very well tell this Ben-guy that. Being with Ryan had become this unattainable dream that never seemed realize, and she was seriously doubting that they would ever be together for real, but still she wasn't sure that she was willing to give that dream up.

"_Kinda, I don't know…"_ What else was she going to say? Was she exclusive towards Ryan, but he wasn't towards her because he had his own girlfriend? They'd never actually set any rules for their relationship, and Taylor wasn't exactly sure how Ryan would react if he found out that Taylor had gone on a date without telling him. She was very torn on how to respond. Part of her wanted to go out with this guy to make Ryan jealous, so he could get an idea how she felt being the other woman, and another part of her felt that that would be unfair to this guy, and to herself. If Ryan wasn't ever going to tell Sarah, she deserved to meet some other nice guy, and Ben's inviting smile and kind eyes told her that he might just be as nice as he was hot.

Somehow Ben seemed amused by her answer and he laughed a little. "_Well, get it straight, and if you decide that you're free…" _he pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled down his name and number on it before handing it to her. "…_You can just give me a call, and I'll pick you up at six."_

Taylor just stood there speechless as he gave her the note. But there was something about Ben that made her return the smile he gave her when he walked off towards his buddies a couple of hundred yards away. He hadn't been afraid to take a chance on asking her out, though he knew nothing about her except that they were in the same class and though he had no idea if she had a boyfriend. He seemed a little adventurous, confident and he was very, very cute. Just by talking to him for those few seconds, she realized he was everything that Ryan wasn't, and that he was everything that she was missing from her current relationship. She hated having to sneak around with her relationship, and she realized that with another guy, she wouldn't have to. And there was just something about Ben that made her think that maybe, just maybe, she would actually give him a call.

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When Ryan got home from school later that afternoon, he found that Sarah was already at his place, cooking for him. This was nothing unusual. Often when he got home late from school, maybe after meeting Seth afterwards, he would find her there with an already set table and a nicely home cooked meal, like a regular 50s housewife. That was one thing he had to admit he liked about her, she _was_ a great chef. That was pretty much what their relationship had turned into: she took care of him because she knew that if she didn't cook for him, he'd never eat anything proper or nitrous, and he knew that she wasn't capable to cope on her own after the tragic loss she'd suffered, and hence, he took care of her by just being there.

It wasn't as if they actually acted like a couple anymore. They hardly ever kissed, and the few times they did, it always felt wrong and they both pulled away rather quickly, and they hadn't slept together since her dad's death. Though he was fairly certain that she still loved him, even he couldn't imagine why she would want to stay together, there relationship was completely dead, and it seemed that there was nothing left to save. The girl he'd initially thought he could fall in love with someday, was merely a shadow of her old self, no matter how hard she tried to pretend she was still the same old girl, and a part of him pitied her for that. The other part somehow blamed her because, though he knew that it wasn't actually her fault and that she certainly hadn't wanted her father to die, she was still the reason that was keeping him from being with Taylor.

"_Don't freak out or anything", Sarah_ said placing a pot of delicious smelling stew on the table, as he walked into the kitchen to greet her. "_But I've been thinking…Maybe I should just stay here. You know, like, move in."_

Ryan just stared at her and said nothing. He had no idea what to say. Their relationship was completely dead, even she must've realized that, and now she wanted to move? It made no sense to him at all, and he gained a confused look in his face.

"_Oh my gosh, you think it's the worst idea ever! _" Sarah suddenly realized, her face turning red. "_Forget I ever said anything at all… and I'll just try to… not kill myself._" She really just wanted to disappear. _"It's just that…you know, I thought since my dorm is so tiny, and I practically spend all my waking hours at your place anyways…you know, that it' d be a good idea, but clearly you don't think so, and…"_ She was completely rambling in a very Taylor-like fashion without being aware of it, and seeing her like this somewhat reminded him of when he and Taylor had been together.

"_No, no…That makes…sense", _Ryan said nodding, still not daring to give her his own opinion of the matter.

"_Really?" _Her face lit up with a mixture of surprise and excitement. "_You think it's a good idea?"_

No, of course I don't think it's a good idea, he wanted to tell her, but at this point it seemed things couldn't get any worse anyways. What difference did it make if she moved in? She was right, she practically did spend all of her time at Ryan's anyways, and she made good food, and he was a freaking coward that hadn't told her the truth in all this time. It bothered him simply because he knew he'd put off for way too long, and now he feared it might even be too late. And as she threw her arms around him and kissed him in joy, he just sighed on the inside because it felt like he had lost all control over his own life. He was about to graduate from college in six weeks and he should be excited because his life should barely even have started. Yet, he had no hope and he felt no excitement for what was about to come. He was barely 25 years old and he already felt like his life was over.

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Taylor hadn't seen Ryan for a couple of days, so when she bumped in to him at the school library, she figured it was about time that they should talk. Ryan told her he was there studying for one of his final exams, but after their formal greetings (they didn't want anyone at campus to realize their secret), Taylor decided to disturb him and took a seat right next next to him´. She figuered she should get right to the point. " _So, the other day, this guy Ben in my class asked me out."_ She said it rather quick, because she wasn't sure of how Ryan was going to react.

Just the thought of imagining Taylor being with another man was almost too much to endure, and he couldn't deny that it pained him. But he also knew that he, who'd just agreed to let his girlfriend move in with him, didn't have the right to say too much or to be jealous, so he simply asked: "_And what did you say?"_

"_That's the thing. For the first time in my life I didn't know what to say. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I didn't know what to tell him." _The conversation had reached the part that Taylor was the most eager to discuss, or to get an answer to, and she asked: "_What is this thing we're doing?"_

She didn't know exactly what she wanted him to say, but she knew that she wanted him to say _anything_ that proved to her that he was serious about what he felt for her, something that witnessed to that the ring he'd given her, that she was now carrying around in her pocket, had been more than an empty promise. That he'd actually meant everything he'd said, because lately, she'd begun thinking, against her better judgment, that maybe it had all been an act he'd pulled because it was a convenient way of getting some sex. Now, that wasn't the Ryan she thought she knew, but maybe he had changed more than she'd realized over these past five years. She really didn't think that was the case, and she was desperate for him to convince her that she was right about that.

But he didn't say or do anything that she wanted, because he didn't feel like he had any right to. Instead, without barely even looking up from his book, he said: "_I don't know."_

"_Okay…" _Taylor nodded, failing to hide the disappointment in her voice. Her heart sank terribly, and she had to fight hard not to let the tears that were burning under her eyelids to fall down on her cheeks.

Ryan was silent for a very long time, but inside, his thoughts were twirling before he finally made a decision he hoped to never regret as he uttered the words: "_You should do it. If you want to, you should go out with him." _

Taylor suddenly felt very nauseous again, and this time she wasn't sure if it was the flu or because of Ryan's words. To her, saying that she should date Ben, had been the ultimate sign that what they had shared, had been meaningless to him. She felt disgusted and used, but if that was his choice, she would have to live with it. She nodded bravely, but couldn't stop the salty tears from running down her face. In a trembing voice she said: "_Okay, I'll call him first thing in the morning. But this… this thing with us…it's over. For good."_ She took the ring he'd given her out of her jacket pocket and placed it on the table in front of them, and then she left without another word.

Ryan pocketed the ring as he watched her leave. Somehow, by letting her go, Ryan figured that he was doing her a favor. By allowing her to give up on him and everything they'd stood for, she could finally be free to do what she wanted to do and be with whoever she wanted to be with. And he could finally be the kind of guy to Sarah that she deserved, to commit to her and to be a descent boyfriend. He would be able to let go of Taylor completely, and he hoped that that would release him from the prison he'd remained in for over four months now, and maybe to grow to love Sarah over the years. He and Taylor would still see each other occasionally of course, but he believed that seeing each other would start to hurt a little less every time, until they at last were completely over each other, and the feelings they had for each other would exist as mere memories of what once was. Maybe he was being naive, but it seemed like a fair solution to everyone. And he convinced himself that it was all for the best.

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As soon as Taylor was outside the library doors, she rushed into the girls bathroom with tears streaming down her face, and barely made it through the booths' door before throwing up. After trying to wipe her face clean with some toilet paper, she gave up on fighting the battle of trying to keep herself from crying. She sat on the floor of the booth sobbing for hours before she finally stopped and decided that she was ready to go outside again. She took a last look in the mirror, and hopelessly tried to fix her messed up make-up, but soon gave up and left the bathroom with black lines all over her face.

When she reached the school grounds she remembered that she still had the note of Ben's phone number in her pocket, and pulled out her cell phone out of her purse. Hitting the numbers with great certainty, she only had to wait two signals before he picked up. "_Hey, Ben, it's Taylor. About that date Saturday, I'm free…"_


	13. Decisions

**Chapter 13: Decisions**

"_So things with you and Ben are getting serious?" _Summer asked about three weeks after Taylor had ended things Ryan. She and Taylor were now walking aimlessly (at least as far as Summer knew), because Taylor had felt in need of a walk. Summer had said yes of course, there was nothing she wouldn't do for her friend. Taylor was helping Summer plan the wedding now that thye'd finally fired the crazy wedding planner, and she was a big help with all the details and the wedding comoing up in less than a month's time, and Taylor devoted herslef passionately to the task.

Summer had kind of allowed her to do it so she would be able to distract herself from thinking of Ryan. Taylor had told her everything immediately afterwards, and Summer had been her support and the only reason that she got through all this heartbreak. Summer desperately wanted to kick Ryan's ass to the ground for dumping her the way he did, but she also still loved him like a brother and a part of her still wished that he would break up with Sarah and finally be with Taylor instead. But since that dream seemed unrealistic, Summer was hoping for things to work out with Ben. She'd met him once since he and Taylor had started dating and he was a really sweet guy, and Taylor deserved to be happy.

"_I don't know, it could be", _Taylor answered hopefully. She wasn't sure if she would ever forgive Ryan. She hadn't talked to him since she gave him the ring back, but against her better judgment, she loved him still and she hated herself for it. She was praying though that she was going to fall in love with Ben. For the weeks she'd been dating him, they'd already gotten rather close. They had the same taste in movies, books and food, and he was very funny, but he was also very nice and she knew that he would never break her heart purposely.

She really liked him, but the only problem was that she didn't feel the same chemistry with him as she had with Ryan. She wanted to feel fluttering butterflies whenever she saw him, as she always did with Ryan, but so far, Ben was more of a friend. Their dates so far had been kept very PG-13: twice he'd kissed her on the mouth, and sex had been completely out of the question. Ben had just gotten over a bad breakup and wanted to take things slow, something Taylor didn't mind at all. She needed her heart to heal before letting someone else into her life.

Summer and Taylor had been walking supposedly aimlessly for over an hour and a half, when Taylor suddenly made a sharp turn to the right.

"_Where are we going?" _Summer wondered, unaware that there had been a purpose to this early morning walk. Not getting an answer, she still followed her friend faithfully for another ten minutes until they finally stopped outside a Family Plan-clinic. Summer looked puzzled at Taylor. This was not what she'd been expecting, but Taylor looked determined when she stepped inside the doors, so Summer could do nothing but tag along.

"_Why are you here?" _Summer asked, hoping that Taylor would give her some insane, but comforting reason that didn't include her being pregnant, because if she was…

Taylor just told her sadly: "_Because ther's a possibility that I might be pregnant, and I need you with me when they give me the results."_ Taylor had been in here just yesterday and had drawn a blood sample, and today they had asked her to come into the clinic to give her the results as they insisted that she should hear them in person, and she felt she really needed Summer with her for moral support.

"_Okay", _Summer nodded, horrified at Taylor's words, but she knew that she owed it to Taylor to be there for her right now. Six years ago, Taylor had done just that for her when Summer had taken that pregnancy test, and she'd even covered for Summer when Seth had found the test. Taylor had indeed been a great friend, and now that Taylor was feeling so down, it was time for her to return the favor.

The girls signed in and were told to take a seat outside the doctors' door. All they could do right now was wait…

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A few hours later, Taylor was lying in her bed at home, hidden under the covers and crying. She could not get the doctor's appointment out of her mind, and the words he'd told her kept repeating over and over in her head: "_You're pregnant, ms Townsend." _

Pregnant. She knew what the word meant of course, but she hadn't expected to hear it at all, and it had come as quite the shock. Pregnant. After doing a few more tests, the doctor had told her she was already five weeks along. "_But I can't be pregnant", _Taylor had objected, and told him that she'd had her period a few weeks ago, although slightly delayed.

"_Oh, but you're definitely pregnant", _he insisted, saying that bleedings during healthy pregnancies still were rather common. Picking up on her unhappiness over the news he'd continued: "_Of course, if you don't want to keep it, there are other options we can discuss." _Then he'd spent the next hour telling her about adoption and different kinds of abortions, but Taylor had barely been listening as she'd still be in shock. Summer had been great though, she'd listened intently on everything doctor Austin had told her, and when they left the clinic, Summer promised that whatever Taylor decided to do, she would back her up 100 . She even offered to go home with Taylor, but Taylor felt she'd already done enough and went home alone. Immediately as she stepped through the door, she crawled into bed and started crying, and she hadn't moved since.

She really didn't know what she wanted to do. A part of her wanted to be a mother, and wanted to keep the child, but the other part knew that it was almost impossible due to the situation. If she decided to keep it, what was she going to tell Ryan? Would she tell him the truth, or would she just somehow pretend it wasn't his? And Ben, what was she going to tell him? 'You remember asking me if I was seeing someone? Yeah, I kinda was and now I'm pregnant with his illegitimate lovechild.' He would probably _love _to hear that from the girl he'd only dated for a few weeks.

If she wasn't going to keep the baby, at least she knew with certainty that she wasn't going to put it up for adoption. She knew that she would never be able to give the baby up after she'd carried it for nine months and then given birth to it. Adoption was completely ruled out.

That left only one more option: Abortion. It would feel really strange to do it of course, seeing how she didn't actually _not want _the baby, but she just didn't know what else to do. Yet, imagining herself lying on that table, getting ready to abort Ryan's child…Just the thought of it made her sick. She wasn't against abortion, even if she had been raised to think it was _wrong._ Her days spent in Catholic Sunday school had certainly been eager to convince all the kids that sex was WRONG before marriage, but growing up with a father that was a licensed sex therapist (at least before he left), had given her a positive view of sex at an early age, and he'd told her that if a girl got pregnant really young, an abortion could actually be a good thing. So it wasn't that she in any way disapproved of abortions, she had just never pictured herself doing one.

Up on till her affair with Ryan, she had _always _used protection, every single time, so therefore she had never imagined starting a family this young. She'd always thought that she would be quite a lot older, happily married, living in a fancy house and having a great career of her own before she would even _consider _becoming pregnant. But this time with Ryan…they had been so careless and irresponsible, just acting in the heat of the moment, forgetting to use condoms, and without any thoughts on the consequences that might come. Of course, Summer had warned her all the time that something like this might happen, but she wasn't the kind of person who thrived on other peoples misery and said 'I told you so'.

The thought of aborting the child felt very horrifying and scary. The doctor had showed her pictures, and had told her the possible risks of the procedure (as if that were to calm her down), and he'd made everything sound surgical and impersonal. Maybe if she'd had a friend that had done an abortion, that friend would have been able to convince Taylor that it really wasn't as scary as she thought, but none of the people she knew had had an abortion. Unless…She suddenly remembered that she _did_ know a person that had done an abortion: Kirsten. After she'd told Sandy in 2007, talking about the abortion had gotten less frightening, and it wasn't as if she advertised it around, but all of her closest family knew, and Kirsten had told Taylor in passing by at Thanksgiving when they'd been watching Sophie playing.

Yes, having done an abortion herself she should know quite a lot about the emotional part of it, and she would indeed be perfect to tell Taylor about it. Taylor decided that she was going to call Kirsten later, when she'd stopped crying, so they could meet and talk about it. The only problem was: How was she going to ask Kirsten about her abortion without mentioning her own pregnancy?

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For Ryan, life was unusually uneventful and he felt her really didn't have much to keep him going. He spent his days reading and prepared for graduation which was coming up in slightly more than three weeks, along with Seth and Summer's wedding just a few days later. Last week he'd helped Seth pick out the perfect tux for the wedding, while finding one for himself as well. To be truthful, neither of the boys had had much of a clue to what looked good on them, but the salesperson had been very helpful, and both of the guys felt she had indeed picked out things that looked good on both of them.

It had been nice to catch up with Seth. These days, they saw way too little of each other. Seth's job as an editor was keeping him busy 24/7 and he was hardly ever home from work before his wife-to-be had already fallen asleep. He was stressing himself out, but he loved his job, and he was soon to be free for four entire weeks as he'd taken time off for Ryan's graduation, the wedding and the honeymoon. And also, just having been promoted it was a lot to catch up with, but he'd soon been in routine and then things would take a much shorter time and he wouldn't stress himself out as much.

Seth was one of the few things that kept Ryan going right now. Most of Ryan's friends was in other programs and he saw less and less of them as they were all preparing for their new lives to begin, and Ryan seemed to be stuck in some life-limbo. He knew he should already be looking for architecture jobs, so he would have money coming in after graduation, but he felt like nothing really mattered anymore, and future jobs were not really on the top of the priority list in his mind these days.

What was on his mind a lot however, was Taylor. Just seconds after he'd told her to go out on the date with Ben, he'd known it was a mistake. Now he was aware of the fact that he'd been a complete idiot to just let her go, and he resented himself for it. If he wasn't such a coward, he could've been with Taylor right now. He could've had her in his arms, she would be the one living with him instead of Sarah, and they would be happily planning their futures together. Taylor would have been with him and not with Ben, and it was even worse that it was all his own fault that that wasn't his reality. If he could turn back time, he would, but since he had yet to learn that skill, he had to focus on what was, and that meant Sarah.

Now that they had moved in together, things hadn't exactly improved. If anything, they had gotten worse. She was there _every _day when he got home, she was moving furniture around, bought little decorations and fresh flowers to put in every corner, and _always _made sure that food was on the table when he got home. Now she was even talking about how they should get a dog together, and he didn't even particularly like dogs that much. Seeing her all the time was really starting to annoy him, and his annoyance only made Sarah try even harder to be the perfect housewife, which only made him more irritated. It was a vicious circle with the two of them, and there seemed to be very little (if any) hope left for their relationship. Things were just plain BAD, and not a day went by when he didn't want to kill himself for being such an idiot and letting Taylor go.

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"…_and I need to interview someone who's actually done an abortion for my paper." _Taylor had finished after telling one of the worst lies in the world history of lieswhen she'd called Kirsten to get her to meet with her.

"_You need to interview someone who's done an abortion for a paper in your _marketing _class?" _Kirsten had wondered highly unconvinced, but she had still agreed to meet her, and now two days later, Taylor was sitting in the park waiting for Kirsten to show. After two more minutes, Taylor noticed Kirsten a few yards away, tagged along by a very cute, blond six year old girl.

"_Hope you don't mind that I brought Sophie along", _Kirsten said smiling, as Sophie threw herself into Taylor's arms. _"I couldn't find a babysitter."_

"_No, not at all", _Taylor said shaking her head and returning the smile. Sophie was as always thrilled to see Taylor again and started babbling something about a picture she'd drawn, when Kirsten finally interrupted her. If you didn't interrupt her, Sophie's talking could go on for _hours._

"_Honey, why don't you go off to the swings over there for a few minutes while Taylor and I talk, okay?" _Kirsten suggested, and an easy-pleased Sophie did as she said and ran off to the swings just a few yards away, and Taylor smiled as she watched the little girl run away, so carefree like there were no problems in the world that could possibly bother her. She missed feeling like that, and Taylor realized that she would love to have a child of her own around to remind her of that.

Kirsten noticed how Taylor stared longingly after Sophie, and smiled a little. Then, turning her attention fully towards Taylor, Kirsten reminded her why they were actually there: "_You wanted me to tell you about the abortion?"_

Snapping out of her daydreaming, Taylor nodded and then asked Kirsten to tell her what had made her decide to do the abortion. Kirsten told her whole-heartedly about how she and Jimmy had already broken up when she discovered she was pregnant and that she wanted to go to Berkeley, and that she wasn't ready to be a mom just yet.

"_I have never regretted my decision", _Kirsten said with great certainty. "_Of course I've sometimes wondered what my life would've been like if I'd decided to keep the baby, I think it's inevitable, but just a few weeks after I'd done the abortion, I met Sandy and I knew that I'd made the right choice."_

She made it sound so simple, and Taylor really took her words in and nodded. Kirsten hadn't regretted her decision, so why should Taylor? But almost as if Kirsten could read her mind, she said:

"_Of course, there are other options for those who are pregnant without wanting to be, and just because I haven't regretted my decision, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. And maybe a child is supposed to come into this world under some unusually forms. We're not all the same."_

Again, Taylor looked over at Sophie, who had made friends with a couple of the kids by the swings and they were now laughing and taking turns pushing each other as high as possible, and the sight made her smile. She knew she had a big decision to make, and therefore excused herself rather quickly to go home and think. But right before she left, Kirsten said: "_Taylor, I hope you know that you can always talk to me if something's wrong."_ Taylor just nodded thankfully before she hugged Sophie and Kirsten goodbye.

Of course, Kirsten didn't for a second believe Taylor's sudden interest in abortions had anything to do with herself, but she allowed her to think that she was unaware of her secret, because it really wasn't any of her business. But inside, Kirsten worried for Taylor and wondered if anyone knew about the pregnancy or if the poor girl carried the burden all on her own. And most of all, she wondered if Ryan knew that he might be on the way to become a father.

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She had never expected to find something so life changing on what had appeared to be such an ordinary day. That same afternoon as taylor had talked to Kirsten, Sarah had been sitting in the sofa sorting hers and Ryan's clothes into piles of matching colors. Preparing to put on a washing machine of blacks, she'd remembered that she should put in Ryan's jacket, too, since he wore it all the time and it had gotten quite dirty. Routinely checking the pockets for anything that shouldn't be washed, she emptied his jacket pockets and found a tiny little velvet box in the left pocket.

At first she was so surprised that she didn't know what to think. If Ryan had picked up jewelry for her birthday, he was unusually early to be him as it wasn't for another four weeks. Curious by nature, she decided to open it, and was shocked when she discovered a thin golden ring with a sparkling, square diamond inside the box. Amazed by the ring's beauty, she instinctively tried it on, but found it was too small for her ring finger so she put it on her little finger instead. For a moment, she just sat there in the middle of the laundry pile and stared at the diamond on her finger, and spaced off for a few seconds, imagining how great that ring would look next to a wedding dress. Yes, she even imagined hers and Ryan's wedding for a little while.

It actually took her several minutes before she realized that the ring never had been intended for her.

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A few days later, Taylor had finally made her decision. As much as she wanted the child, she had decided that it wouldn't be fair neither to herself or the kid, and that's what had finally made her make her mind up. She called the Family Plan clinic that same morning, and scheduled an appointment for an abortion. Unfortunately, all they could squeeze her in for was a time several weeks ahead, on the afternoon of Summer's and Seth's wedding day. All Taylor could do was sigh. It was just so typical for her life that she didn't even get upset.


	14. The Graduate

**Chapter 14: The Graduate**

It was the day of his graduation and Ryan had never been more nervous. He wasn't sure why. His life seemed to finally be falling into place: no great tragedies surrounded him, he had a nice and steady girlfriend, he was graduating with a masters in architecture from Berkeley which had always been his dream. He even had a job waiting for him. Last week, an architecture firm that he'd worked for previously as an intern, had called _him_ up and offered him a job starting a week after graduation. It was a nice firm that Sandy had suggested that he should call for a summer job, and because he'd done such a good job when he'd been working there, they now wanted him there permanently. Ryan knew that he was going to love working there again, and even the salary was pretty good for a first-time gig as an architect, and everyone kept telling him how lucky he was. He also knew he'd gotten good grades in all of his classes, and everyone were so proud of him.

Frank, Dawn and Sandy and Kirsten were all coming to celebrate his success, and he was so happy that his entire family was able to get along. Dawn had been sober for over seven years now and had been with the same guy now for nearly as long, and she was doing great. He didn't see her too often now that they lived states apart, but they called each other quite a lot and met a couple of times a year, and each time they did, she was thrilled to see him and so happy for him, and he for her. Dawn had even met Frank a few times, and after talking things through, she realized he wasn't the same guy as he had been during their marriage, and after he'd apologized for everything, she'd forgiven him, and now they could easily get along if they saw each other.

Frank was doing well. Though he still lived back in Newport, he flew in often to visit Ryan, Julie and Jared, and Ryan knew that he was finally happy with his life even if he was rather alone back in The O.C. Though not together, Frank was still obviously in love with Julie, but tried to pretend like he wasn't, and he was still sober and had a steady, well-paid and legal job as an accountant that kept him rather busy.

Sandy and Kirsten were loving life as parents again, and though mischievous Sophie was a handful, they adored her, just like everyone else. Sandy had been working as a law professor at Berkeley for almost five years now and he loved it, and it suited him perfectly. And now that Sophie was older, Kirsten was thinking about picking her career up again and maybe open an art gallery, something everyone encouraged her to do. The Cohens couldn't be more happy or more proud of their little daughter, and of their two grown up sons; one who was graduating with honors, and one who was getting married tomorrow.

Seth and Summer had decided to have a small and private wedding in the Cohens backyard the day after Ryan's graduation, so that everyone they loved would be there for both of the events. The bachelor- and bachelorette parties had been last night, and everyone had had a great time. Kaitlin had flew in a week ago, just after her own graduation from Williams. She was now considering going for a masters exam at Berkeley as she wanted to be closer to her mom and little brother, and she had several ideas in mind for potential programs that she might go for.

Yes, it seemed that everyone was doing alright, and Ryan was happy for them. He should finally be able to relax. There were no more drama, nothing that kept him brooding- except his relationship with Sarah. Though he was on paper more committed to his girlfriend; he would follow her out on dates to see movies and plays and stuff, he had in fact never been more absent. He had faced it a long time ago: their relationship was dead, completely, through and through, and he admitted to being the biggest coward ever and not daring to break up with her.

Now it was too late, and he didn't feel like he could tell her about the cheating now that she was finally doing a little better. She wasn't quite back to being the old Sarah, she was slightly more serious and had developed an interest in culture that hadn't really been there before and had stopped drinking, but Ryan knew that these things could happen after a loss like that, just remembering how much Summer changed after Marissa's death. But Sarah's change wasn't what had put a strain on their relationship, it was simply the fact that he didn't love her and that he never had, and this made him completely uninterested in their relationship.

And also, he couldn't get over Taylor. He still loved her, and having only talked to her once in the seven weeks was killing him. He missed the conversations they used to have, he missed how she could always make him laugh and smile, he missed just watching her and being around her. She had a certain atmosphere around her that made him both relax and tense up whenever he saw her, and he would still feel that way whenever he would see her walk across campus, though he knew that she was no longer his.

He had seen her several times with her new boyfriend and she was always smiling, and it killed him to see her happy with another man. Though he knew it was all his fault because he hadn't broken up with Sarah, and even though he felt that Taylor _deserved _to be happy, he couldn't help himself that every time he saw Ben (or whatever his name was), he wanted to go all Kid Chino on his ass and punch him in the face. And whenever he was beating his boxing bag up, imagining it was Ben's face he was hitting, felt pretty great.

He still hadn't completely given up on Taylor, though, and often thought that maybe someday in the future, Taylor would forgive him for what he'd done and they could be together again. But he knew he couldn't think that way. He needed to focus on what was right now, and that was graduation.

He felt as if he'd been fumbling with his tie all morning, and still he just couldn't get it right. Of course, it wouldn't show beneath the robes, but it wouldn't feel right if he didn't have it properly tied somehow. He felt like a teenager again, when he was trying to tie a tie for the very first time o wear at the charity fashion show and Sandy had had to help him. He'd felt completely out of place, like an intruder that would never belong. It suddenly dawned on him that that was ten years ago, and he realized that he was no longer that fifteen year old outsider anymore. He was a man now, and he'd done something nice of his life, and he _belonged_. He had a right to be at his graduation, he belonged there and he had everyone there cheering for him and supporting him.

He looked at the time and realized it was time to leave. Graduation ceremony was starting in just a little while and he was going to be late if he didn't hurry up. He finally gave up on his pathetic attempt to get the tie right, an attempt which had taken up his entire morning, and in the end he decided not to bring it. He just threw it on the table in a hurry and ran out of his apartment.

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Graduation was beautiful, and he felt happy as he stood up there and accepted his diploma in front of his entire family. When they called his name, Ryan recognized Sandy, Kirsten, Dawn, Frank, Julie, Kaitlin, Seth and Summer all standing up in one of the middle rows, cheering for him and he waved at them as they beamed with pride. Sandy even started singing the chorus of the now classic song "Check out my boy, Cohen...", but Seth discreetly kicked him before he even got to the second line, pointing out that it was rather embarrassing for Ryan and not a memory he needed for his graduation day.

Sarah too accepted her diploma with great pride and her mother smiled at her, but looked oddly sad when Ryan's eyes met hers. However, he didn't pay too much attention to it and assumed she just missed her dad at a time like this, and to be honest, Ryan was really too caught up in his own euphoria to even notice or care.

Somehow, this day just seemed almost prefect to him, and as if he could watch it through somebody else's eyes, he could see himself smiling, knowing that he should feel one hundred percent happy. He was proud of himself, proud that the outsider from Chino had made into Berkeley and graduated with honors, and he was thrilled that everyone he loved and called his family were there with him. Still, he felt that there was something missing as he searched for a certain face in the crowd, but he never saw it. However, a glimpse of auburn hair far, far away caught his attention, and he was taken back to the last time he'd met her, two weeks ago...

_The sight of something auburn glistening in the sun had immediately caught his attention. He would recognize that hair anywhere and he had rushed to catch up with the person that the beautiful hair belonged to. _

"_Taylor!" He had called as he neared her. For once, she had been alone._

_It seemed almost as if she had tried to ignore him, but had finally given up when she turned to face him, and greeted him calmly, as if she had been expecting him. "Ryan. Hi." Yes, now that she looked at him, Ryan could see in her eyes that she had been trying to avoid him, he knew her well enough to know that much. _

_After some forced small-talk about school, relationships and Seth's and Summer's upcoming wedding, Ryan had decided to just say what he desperately wanted to say. "Taylor, I know you probably don't want to see me ever again, and after the way I handled things...I don't blame you. But I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am, and that, whatever you may think, I never meant to hurt you. I'm happy that you're with someone you like. And I really am sorry for what I put you through."_

_Taylor had looked startled, but had simply nodded. It obviously hadn't been what she had expected. She looked utterly surprised, and she opened her mouth as if to say something genuine that came from her heart. Then it seemed that she regretted the impulse, because she just closed her mouth and shrugged. "You know, it's...whatever. It's no big deal." She was trying to say the words as casually as possible and spoke rather quickly, because it seemed as if shewas afraid that she might change her mind halfway through. "It was mostly a physical thing anyways, and it's not like we ever had any real feelings for each other this time around. It's not like it changed anything, it didn't really mean anything." _

_Ryan had been surprised by her words and had raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "It didn't?"_

_Taylor had just shook her head in denial, and Ryan, not buying it for a second, as if to prove he was right, had just leaned in and planted a kiss on her lips. Startled, Taylor hadn't replied, but the look in her deep hazel eyes had said more than words could ever have told him. Still, Ryan had continued. "You tell me _that _doesn't mean anything." _

_This time, realizing that he wouldn't buy her lies anyways, Taylor had just looked him straight in the eyes and had said with complete sincerity: "Of course it does. It means everything."_ S_he had looked down in the ground for a few seconds, as if to force possible tears to retreat. ´Then she had just turned around and started walking away, and had left Ryan speechless. All he could do was stare after her as she left, and admire the beautiful, auburn hair lying straight on her back, perfectly reflecting the sunshine._

The sight of something auburn had reminded him perfectly of that moment, and he felt himself getting excited at the thought that she might be there. But as he tried to find it again in the crowd, it was gone. It probably hadn't even been there. Most likely, he had just imagined it because he wanted so _desperately_ to see her, to know that she still cared. His heart sank terribly when he realized that he was just trying to hold on to a memory, and he realized that it was insignificant now. She was probably off celebrating some of her other friends graduations, or going over last minute wedding stuff, or just hanging out with Ben. That wasn't a thought he wanted to have on the day that was supposed to be one of the best in his life.

Yes, he knew that this should be the best day of his life, and a part of him felt that it was, while the other part of him knew that it would've been completely perfect if only Taylor had been there with him. Thinking about it, he felt a sadness come over him, like a hole in his heart, but as he joined his family for the post-graduation celebrations, he decided to shrug it off, and gave them all a smile to cover up the hole, and to pretend even for himself that it didn't exist.

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This day was definitely _not_ one of the best days in Taylor Townsend's life. She didn't even want to be on campus since she knew that Ryan was graduating and it was a very good chance that she'd bump into either him, or one of the Cohens, and that was the last thing that she wanted. She certainly didn't want to see Ryan, the jerk that had broken her heart, and she just wasn't in the mood for casual conversation when she was facing the trauma she knew was to come in a few days when she was getting the abortion done. It sucked that it was the day right after Summer's wedding, but it was the only appointment they had in _weeks_ since a lot of the doctors were to start their vacations, so it had been her only option.

Over the weeks she'd known that she was pregnant, she'd just grown more attached to the baby, even though she knew she wasn't going to have it. She knew doing it would break her heart completely, and it sucked that besides Summer, she had no one to share her thoughts with about how she felt, because she had since long decided not to tell Ben, and a part of her felt that Ryan didn't deserve to know the truth. She was slightly bitter and felt that he didn't deserve to be involved or to be any part of her life anymore, and that included the child she was carrying, even if it was his.

She hated that she had allowed herself to love him so much, she hated that she was pregnant with his child, she hated that she had cheated on Sarah with him, she hated that she had been so naive to think that he was going to leave his girlfriend for her, and she _really_ hated that she couldn't seem to get over him or stop loving him. She hated every part of Ryan Atwood at the moment, but most of all she hated herself. Because no matter what had happened and no matter how much she was hurting from it, she had been there. She had showed up for his graduation, because she hadn't been able to stand the thought of _not_ being there. Sure, she had been standing way in the background, hiding behind a tree, but she had been there for him and she had seen him graduate.

Naturally, she despised herself for it, and therefore, she had rushed out of there as soon as she had seen Ryan being handed his diploma. This was _his_ day, and she didn't belong there. She just had to face it, they weren't together, and they were never going to be. Seeing him around so much was painful, and she knew she couldn't keep this up. She would do whatever it took to stay as far from him as possible. She would have to see him at the wedding tomorrow, but she decided that after that, she was done. Tomorrow would have to suffice as the last time she would ever see Ryan Atwood.

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Later that evening, Ryan was happy to get home to his quiet apartment. He was exhausted. His family had taken him to a very nice restaurant which had been slightly too fancy for his taste, but still nice, and he had gotten the steak, which he always liked. It had been a great night, and a great day in total, even if Kaitlin had gotten a little drunk. Recently having turned 21 and being _allowed_ to drink, she hadn't quite gotten used to the concept of drinking to meals as opposed to just drinking to get wasted. Ryan had been rather careful since he and Seth both had had a few too many on Seth's bachelor party last night, and though alcohol didn't really affect Ryan, he wanted to be able to say that he was sober tomorrow when he was posing as best man for Seth, and would most likely need to calm Seth down if he freaked out.

Sarah hadn't joined them on the restaurant as she was spending the evening out with her mom, but the couple had promised to meet up afterwards at eleven pm, and now only a few minutes away, he was waiting for her to come by the apartment. He had decided that he was going to break up with her tonight. Imagining seeing Taylor at graduation had finally made him realize that he couldn't keep this charade with Sarah up. It might not be the "right" time, but it was certainly time. He was an adult now, and it was time that he acted like one.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Though she lived there too and had a key, she preferred not to use it if she knew Ryan was home. He got up and opened the door, preparing to finally tell her the truth, but she was unusually cold when she greeted him, barely daring to look him in the eyes. Instead, she immediately went inside and took a seat on the couch. "_We need to talk."_

"_Sure"_, he said surprised by her straightforwardness. "_What is it?"_

"_I'm going to New York tomorrow, so...I'm not going with you to the wedding."_

"_Okay...Why? Is something wrong with your mom?"_ He got worried by the serious tone in her voice.

"_No, it's nothing like that. It's you and Taylor, actually."_ Ryan was so startled by her words that he didn't even know how to respond, so Sarah just continued. "_A few weeks ago, when I was doing laundry...I found a ring in your jacket pocket, and I realized...that it wasn't meant for me."_

Ryan swallowed hard. He had not been expecting this, that was for sure. He hadn't wanted her to know about the ring, it wasn't necessary, it would only cause her more pain. But here she was and she already knew about it. Ryan felt that he owe her some sort of explanation and opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Sarah interrupted him by holding up a hand.

"_Please let me continue"_, she requested. "_Look, I don't care what has happened between you and Taylor. I don't blame you. Things haven't been good with us lately...and I just want to apologize."_

Now Ryan was very confused. "_For what?" _

"_For holding on to you so tightly, for not letting you go when I knew since long that you're in love with Taylor and not me. Even when I had found the ring, it took me all this time to talk to you about it, because I was being selfish, I didn't want to let you go. But now I realize that you are never going to be happy with me, and I'm sorry for keeping you miserable for all this time." _The way she spoke made it obvious that she still very much had feelings for him. But hse knew she was finally doing what needed to be done, and she felt that if she really loved Ryan, it was time to let him go. "_It's time we go our separate ways, so...I'm ending this thing with us."_

"_You are?"_ Ryan asked still in shock. "_And now you're leaving?"_

"_Yeah, it's time. It's over between us, and when I decided to go here for grad school, I always planned to go back home. I still love NY more than anything, and my mom needs me right now."_

Ryan was still somewhat speechless and didn't really know what to say so he just nodded in reply. He was still suprised that Sarah knew about everything and he had no idea what he was going to tell Taylor, if he was even going to tell her.

But as if she could read his mind, Sarah said after a while of silence: "_You should tell her how you feel." _

"_You think I should?"_

"_I do. After all, it's not every woman who can make Ryan Atwood fall in love. She must be really special. Based on the few times I've met her...she really seems amazing."_

"_Yeah"_, Ryan agreed nodding. "_She is."_ He decided then and there that he would take Sarah's advice and tell Taylor how he felt, and he would do it tomorrow before the wedding. No matter what happened, she deserved to know how he felt. He couldn't lie to her like he had with Sarah, and therefore he had to tell her, no matter what the consequences were going to be.

He and Sarah were both silent for a while as they sat there on the sofa, thinking about life, until Ryan finally broke the silence. "_Sarah...I really am sorry. I've wanted to tell you a million times, and I was going to tell you tonight."_

"_It's okay", _Sarah said, wiping away a tear from the corner of her eye. "_I forgive you. You can't help who you fall in love with, I guess."_

Ryan couldn't agree more. He had wanted nothing more than to fall in love with sarah, but Taylor had remained the girl in his heart. Now all he had to do was figure out a way to win her back.


	15. The Wedding

**Chapter 15: The Wedding**

The wedding didn't start until three o'clock, but Taylor had thought it safer to get ready as soon as possible in case Summer needed her for moral support. Hence, Taylor had gotten up at five am to shower and here she was, six hours later, still getting ready. Ben was picking her up at two, and she felt as if time was running out because she still had her hair to fix. Right now, she was putting on eyeliner for the hundredth time, and she still couldn't get it right. Every time it started to look rather well, she would start crying, and the eyeliner would run out all over her face again and mess everything up.

She knew she needed to be there for Summer today as she was the maid of honor, but she also knew it was going to be extremely difficult since her mind was elsewhere. Her thoughts were with the baby and the upcoming abortion, and it scared her to think that she was going to have to go through with it alone. When Summer had heard about the inconvenient date, she'd offered to postpone the wedding or honeymoon, but Taylor felt she couldn't do that, and pretended like everything was going to be fine, even if she and Summer both knew better.

She assumed that she could've asked Kaitlin to come with her on the dark day, because she trusted her enough to know that Kaitlin would never reveal her secret, but she just didn't feel like explaining it all to someone again. She was glad that she had told Summer, because without her, she would probably be a complete wreck right now, but she didn't think she had enough strength to tell Kaitlin everything, to drag up all of the wounds again before they'd even been healed. She couldn't do that.

No, she was going to have to suck it up and do it alone. She was a strong, independent woman and she could do it. Couldn't she?

As doubt overcame her again, she felt tears pressing behind her eyelids. She closed her eyes hard, and with all the willpower that she possessed she forced herself not to cry. She couldn't, not again. She needed to get ready, to fix things. Maybe what she needed was to move. Ryan's presence still lingered everywhere in her apartment, even though he hadn't been there for almost two weeks, and it was a painful reminder of what would never be. She told herself that if she could just get through this day without crying, things would be okay. Tomorrow she would start looking for a new apartment. Tomorrow it would all be over.

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If Ryan had thought that he was nervous yesterday, it was nowhere close to how nervous he was right now. Today was going to be the day that he was going to tell Taylor how that he wanted her back and he had no idea how things were going to go. At this point, Taylor most likely hated him and Ryan felt that she was certainly entitled to, seeing how he'd acted towards her and how much he'd hurt her. There was also the fact she had a new boyfriend, and that Taylor, from what Summer had told him, seemed quite happy with him.

The odds were defiantly not in his favor, but he knew he had to try. At least things were defiantly over with Sarah and right now she was on a plane to New York. Throughout their entire relationship, things hadn't exactly been smooth with her. It sometimes scared him to think how much he'd hurt her as well, but today he didn't waste a single moment thinking about her, because his mind was occupied with Taylor through and through.

He regretted screwing things up with Taylor more than he regretted anything else in his entire life. If he ever had the chance to change things, he knew he would do it in a heartbeat, no matter how much it would break Sarah's heart. Because Taylor was certainly worth it. She was the most amazing person he'd ever met. He loved her more than he ever thought that he could love anyone, and he couldn't imagine spending life without her.

These were the things he knew that he had to tell her today, and his hands trembled with a strange mixture of anticipation and fear as he was trying to get his tie right. It scared him out of his mind to think that this was the day that would determine his entire future: living life with Taylor, or without her. A quick glance at his watch made him realize that it was time to make it over to Taylor's if he was going to be able to talk to her before the wedding. He really wanted it over with as soon as possible since the wait was getting to him, and all he could do now was hope.

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When Ryan finally made it over to the apartment building where Taylor lived, the first thing he saw was Taylor. As in slow-motion, he watched her walking down the stairs with her shimmering auburn hair pulled back in some sort of loose knot, and wearing a knee-long pink dress, she was so stunning that the sight of her nearly caught Ryan to loose his breath. Not seeing her for all this time, he'd almost forgotten how incredibly beautiful she really was, and it made him wonder how he could ever have spent a day of his life without her in it. This was it. She was it- the one.

The nervousness he'd felt previously ran off him at the sight of her, and was replaced with a sense of confidence he never knew he possessed. He was going to do whatever it took to make her realize that they were meant to be: He had to, because he knew now with certainty that living was merely being alive if it meant being without her. He had nothing to lose anymore. Without her, everything else lost it's meaning, and if he didn't have her, he would never feel alive again.

But as he noticed that both Taylor and Ben spotted him, he suddenly realized that it wasn't going to be as easy as he'd hoped.

Taylor glared at him as she neared Ben's car, parked only a few feet away from where Ryan's was standing. She thought it rather obvious what Ryan wanted and giving him a look that could've killed, she hissed: _"Ryan, I'm not going to do this…" _

"_Taylor, I need to talk to you",_ was Ryan's only response. He wasn't going to give up.

"_Well, I'm kinda busy here," _she said in a angry high-pitched voice, barely facing him. _"Ben's driving me to the wedding."_

Ben had since long realized why Ryan was here, and he didn't like him too much. Taylor had told him everything about how Ryan had slept with Taylor, while still being together with his girlfriend, and since, Ben had considered Ryan an ass._"And we__'__re already late, so will you please step over, so we can go",_ Ben demanded.

Ryan knew by the look on Ben's face that he was probably about to get punched in the face real soon, but he wouldn't move. _"No, you can__'__t go," _he said foolishly, and turning to Taylor, he continued: _"I want to be with you." _

Taylor stared at him with what seemed like a mixture of surprise and disbelief. _"You do?"_

"_I do", _Ryan nodded calmly.

"_Then why didn't you fight for me?" _Taylor demanded. Everything she'd been feeling just came out of her and she raised her voice as she said: _"You had me, you had me right there, but when I told you Ben had asked me out, you just let me go…I wanted you, Ryan. You. And I wanted you to want me back, to tell me that you loved, or that you'd fight for me…anything!" _

She was clearly frustrated and had a very sad, tortured tone in her voice as she yelled at him. She seemed to have completely forgotten that Ben was standing just a few feet away, as she continued a little more calm: "_I've always believed that if you really want something, you go after it, you fight for it, and you do whatever it takes to get it. But you didn't fight for me, you just let me go…So how am I supposed to know that I mean _anything_ to you?"_

If she only knew just how much she really did mean to him…In reply, he began rambling uncontrollably in a very un-Ryan matter, but he just had to get it all out there, and tell her how he felt. _"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't fight for you, I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I love you, but that doesn't change the fact that I do. '__Cause Taylor, I really do love you. I have for a long time and nothing__'__s ever gonna change that. You are insane, babbly, crazy, eccentric, neurotic and everything I never thought I would never appreciate, but I do, and I am completely in love with you."_ At these words Taylor gave a little giggle, and he could see her almost tearing up, as he looked right at her and continued:

"_You make me laugh, and you're special and amazing and beautiful and…everything I need. I can't imagine being without you, and I don't want to either. You mean everything to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I'm here now, and I'll fight for you, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you realize that you're it. You're the one. You're my soul mate. And whatever may come our way, we'll figure it out. And now that I have probably said more words than I have my whole life…will you please say something?"_

At this point Taylor was crying again, but smiling at the same time. This was what she had wanted to hear all along, and no matter how much Ryan had screwed up, it was pointless to deny that she felt the same way, because she did. Of course she did, she always had and she always would. Now completely unaware of Ben's presence, in response to Ryan's words, she just walked right up to him and kissed him. Eagerly, softly and passionately at the same time as their lips met each other, he responded to the kiss that they had both been waiting for all this time, and nothing could've been more amazing. This was what love was all about, and neither of them knew how long they stood there, tasting each other, never wanting to let go.

Ben didn't even object. He hadn't developed any real feelings for Taylor during these few weeks even if he liked her a lot, and he couldn't very well argue, because he had never seen two people more in love. He knew he'd been beaten and just stood there for a long time, watching them kiss. Finally, he felt it was time to speak up. _"So…I'm gonna take off…Since I guess you won't be needing the ride."_

Forcing their eyes and lips away from each other, they just waved good-bye and watched him as he got in the car and drove away.

"_Did you really mean all those things you said?"_ Taylor still had her arms around Ryan's neck when she asked the question, already knowing the answer.

"_Of course I did", _he replied smiling.

"_Good, 'cause there's something I have to tell you", _she said, hoping that he wouldn't freak out. _"I'm pregnant."_

"_You are?" _he asked in a surprised joyful tone, until he realized that there was something else he needed to know first. _"Is it…Is it mine?"_

Taylor just smiled. She wasn't sure that she would ever have been able to be with another man after Ryan, and the answer just seemed too obvious. _"Come one…Who else's would it be?"_

"_We're having a baby?" _he asked again, still somewhat shocked. Taylor smiled as she nodded happily. That's when it suddenly dawned on him. In a few months time, they would have a little miniature son or daughter. It seemed so surreal, but he couldn't imagine it any other way, and he was suddenly overwhelmed with happiness. _"We're having a baby!"_

He lifted his pregnant girlfriend up in the air, and they kissed again. They were having a baby, and suddenly even Seth and Summer's wedding seemed insignificant.

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When they arrived together, it was just five minutes before the wedding was about to start. Ryan quickly took place at the alter next to Seth, and Taylor rushed into the Cohen house, into Sandy and Kirsten's bedroom where Summer an Kaitlin were getting ready.

"_Thank god you're here!" _Summer cried in relief as Taylor came through the door. _"I told Kirsten I wasn't getting married without you or Ryan present."_

"_Well, Ryan just came. He drove me here", _Taylor said smiling with a look that gave away all too much.

"_You arrived here with Atwood?"_ Summer asked, smiling surprised.

"_You guys together again?"_ Kaitlin wondered. Taylor just nodded, as she just couldn't' stop smiling.

"_Oh, my god! Did you tell him about the baby?"_

"_The baby?" _Kaitlin was getting more and more confused by the second. Was Taylor pregnant? She must've missed _a lot _of thing back at Williams.Again, Taylor just nodded in reply.

"_Well...? Give me something, anything!" _Summer demanded.

"_Summer, you're about to be married in like 5 minutes", _Taylor said rationalizing. She would've love to tell both Summer and Kaitlin all about it, but she didn't want to make Summer's wedding day about her.

"_So? Just tell me what he said. It's not like they can start the ceremony without me."_

"_Okay…He said that he loved me, and that he was going to fight for me. That I was his soul mate, the one..."_ Taylor said, just throwing out some of the random things she remembered. _"And he was so happy about the baby…"_

"_Oh my gosh! Ryan said that?"_ Kaitlin asked, surprised, but thrilled. She'd always thought that Ryan and Taylor made an excellent couple, even if they were quite a strange match. Taylor just nodded again, this time with a satisfied smile on her face. The girls just kept on talking about it, until Kirsten finally came up in the room and asked them if they were ready to start the wedding now.

They all went downstairs, and walked out in the backyard where Taylor and Kaitlin took place at the end of the altar as Summer's bridesmaids, where Ryan was already standing with a kipa on his head, and the sight made both of the girls smile. Finally they were ready to start the ceremony, and all heads turned as Summer started walking down the aisle, sticking her tongue out as she went, and Seth rolled his eyes at this, smiling just like everyone else. As Summer made it to the alter, she handed her bouquet of white roses to Taylor, and Ryan watched his beautiful girlfriend take them in hand.

And has his eyes searched for hers and when she met them, he gave her a look that clearly indicated: next time, it's our turn. Their eyes locked for a few seconds and she just smiled and nodded, 'cause she knew he was right. They might not have had their entire future laid out in front of them, and they didn't know where they were going to live, or how they would handle having this baby, yet both of them were serene. Everything was going to be just fine, with the baby, with them, with everything. They had each other now, and no matter what the future had in store for them, that was enough.

**The End**

**Author's Note: As we've reached the end of this story, I'd just like to say thank you sooo much for reading this, and thanks to all the reviewers out there. If you haven't reiewed this story, now is the time! Even if it is complete, I'd stil like to know what you think of it.  
If you liked his one, you should know that there is a sort of sequel to this story up and running called "Life in Berkeley". Although it features Summer, Seth and Kaitlin as well, it is primarely Rylor and it is the follow-up to this story, picking up just a few days after this ending. If you're an SS fan, you should also know that I have started a SS through the college years story called "True Love Waits". ****You can check either of them out through my view profile if you can't find them on the site.  
Thanks again for reading this story!**


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